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The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald


Breaking: Having empty coffee cup in front of you now stops the spread of COVID-19

This new science is helpful for people who deeply care about their peers but are often minorly inconvenienced
Keagan Schlosser

Disclaimer: This article is not based in fact. Please wear a mask and practice safe social distancing.

New science suggests that those who order coffees inside cafes are less likely to contract the novel coronavirus.

The caveat? Their masks must be off and their mug must be empty.


“Or at least, the person can’t be actively drinking the drink,” pathologist Kendra Wagner said. “Oddly enough, when a cup of joe has been untouched for more than 10 minutes, the coronavirus won’t come near you. Thus, a mask is completely unnecessary at a public table.”

This information may come as good news to people who study in coffee shops, eat at restaurants or drink at bars. This demographic is usually pretty cautious inside establishments, wearing their masks when not eating.

Now, they don’t even have to worry about pulling their face covering above their nose.

“It makes me happy to hear this. I just can’t concentrate when I have to put my mask back on after every sip,” Kappa Mappa Tie member Kelsey Shore said. “I can’t predict when I’m going to drink my drink next. Plus, it helps me ‘study’ better when I’m not stifled.”

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Wagner says this new mask protocol may also apply to half-eaten paninis, vodka sodas and the air inside of restaurants.

“Of course it’s nice that people have taken extra cautions inside shared spaces,” Wagner said. “But, honestly, most of the people going out to eat and drink already had COVID. So it doesn’t mean jack squat.”

Wagner still recommends a few cautions.

“These folks should put their masks back on when leaving the restaurant,” she said. “But ya, after that 10-second walk they can take it back off — because you know, they’re outside.”

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Wagner also points out that wearing a mask in-between sips or bites certainly won’t increase your chance of contracting the virus, but you’ll definitely look like you have a stick up your ass.

This information isn’t yet widely disseminated — so, if a waitress or employee approaches you and politely asks you to put on a mask, you have a simple response.

“Oh, I’m eating,” and then point to the crusts of your grilled cheese. You’re bound to get to them later.

To appear like a decent human though, you may want to put your mask back on when your server approaches. Or at least hold your mask up to your face. Or a napkin. Hell, maybe just your hand.

“It feels like everything’s starting to go back to normal,” Shore said. “Or at least it will soon — when I can taste coffee again.”

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