With Thanksgiving break at a close, some University of Wisconsin students are returning to campus to take their final exams. But just like everything else in 2020, finals week has changed. To restrict travel or just because your mom begged you, many students will be staying home during finals up until spring semester kicks off at the end of January.

This is a long stretch of time. Considering all of your hometown friends have rightfully stopped talking to you and visiting your family could mean the death of people you love, you’re going to be bored as duck over break.

Since I’m such a wholesome guy, I’ve come up with a few COVID-19 friendly activities for you to do in your spare time. (Friendly as in safe of course, not like friendly to COVID-19. That wouldn’t be so cool … that would be like opening a university during a pandemic or something.)

I mean really, what else are you going to do? Read a book? Yeah, okay buddy. Keep telling yourself that.

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1. With a lot of time ahead and in the hopes you’re staying with people who won’t judge you as harshly as your “good friends” do it’s the perfect opportunity to update your grooming rituals. For the guys out there, why not try growing out your facial hair again? I say “again” because EVERY guy has tried. Sure, maybe the last time you looked like a caterpillar died on your face and the decomposition process was fully underway, but this time you have a whole TWO MONTHS to let that rat-stache shine.

For the ladies out there, how about giving bangs another try? I know … last time was an absolute catastrophe. I’m just saying that maybe this time … what? What did you just say? Oh, you think this activity isn’t that engaging? I’m sorry! I’m sOoOOoOo sorry! Would you rather go wear your mask dangling from one ear, and kill your grandparents? Or your friends’ grandparents? Or Joe Pesci? No? Good! Then keep your ungrateful ass inside and do some quirky shit with your hair. The self-loathing that accompanies it will keep you occupied, I promise.

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2. When you’re with your friends, you can pretty much drink as much as you want (they think you’re more fun that way), but at home it’s a different story. When your parents are around, you have to pretend you’re actually responsible when it comes to your intake if you even drink around them at all. It is with this awkward situation in mind that I have crafted a fun game to play with your alcoholic friends over the extended break.

First you need to get a group of friends. Good luck. Then, all you have to do is a) steal liquor from your parents and b) keep track of how many drinks you can down before ma and pa force you to stop OR their pleas and tears guilt you into stopping. You can win by 1) never getting caught 2) having a parent join or 3) finishing your dad’s collection of aged brandy.

Is this a dangerous game? Sure. There’s a very good chance your ‘rents won’t let you go back to school in January. But at least you’ll get free alcohol out of it. Oh, and Becky, if you’re reading this, I just want to assure you that only 21-year-olds are known for their excessive drinking.

In fact, I’m pretty sure that 21-year-olds are the only ones drinking on campus period. I really don’t think you have to increase the campus police presence outside of liquor stores, especially in front of the liquor store I would absolutely never go to but in case you’re wondering it’s called Miller’s Liquor. Just saying.

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3. Are you kind of a loser? Yes. The answer is yes. One thing that could help you when it comes to social interaction is working on your comedy! You can start by just writing down some basic situational quips that you could throw in from time to time. After that you can maybe move on to more complex set-ups that really make you stand out in conversation. This is exactly what I do before a gathering. Does it sound sad? Of course it does. Is it sad? Of course it is. But I’m pretty sad too … so bite me.

Another reason you might want to work on your comedy is because you are a freshman who writes in the comedy section for a newspaper, and you feel like your work so far has been pedestrian at best, and boring at worst. And seeing that (because of COVID-19) it’s the only thing you’ve done outside of your classes so far at the UW, a lot of your self worth is tied to it.

So when you constantly put out hot piles of low effort garbage you feel like you really have no reason to return in the spring and that really scares you because could you IMAGINE how disappointed your parents would be if you made then pay a lot of money for a semester of school and you just want to leave because your little stories aren’t funny enough?

… So yeah… some of you might want to work on your comedy because of that ….

There you go three action packed, boredom-busting, high octane activities that you can do from the comfort of your lame home. Doing any of these three pass-times, plus maybe a few of your own, (c’mon guys, I can’t do all of the work for you) and you’re going to have an incredible two months … two monthsTWO months. Jeepers. Good luck, folks.