Hi, let me take a second to introduce myself. I’m Keagan “Smokin Hot” Schlosser, and I’m the Fall 2020 Banter Editor.
When I took on this position, I figured it’d be all fun and giggles. I’d be the Liz Lemon of “30 Rock” — a brunette boss lady who’s uncomfortably awkward, but super funny. While I still hold true to these values, I guess I also had a vision for how my coworkers were going to be.
Here I am, a few months into this position, and I’ve yet to crack a smile. Because of the ‘rones, I haven’t seen a lot of The Badger Herald staff in person. Thank god, because the times I did — stone-face.
I realize that a lot of the staff is doing “actual reporting” and has to hold up “professional journalistic standards,” but I mean — blah, much?
Have ya’ll read their features?
I was going to take the time to say a super nice thing disguised as an insult about all the feature writers here, but I actually don’t read, so I can’t do that. BUT I trust they’re all phenomenal writers, and boy are the headlines enticing. And the pictures! Those are cute.
Writing — superior. Humor — comparable to a crusty 74-year-old Republican. Though actually that demographic is starting to crack some good ones, so that’s not a great comparison.
The POINT is, I single-handedly carry the humor of this paper on my back and it’s actually, like, really hard.
I take the time to divulge personal information about myself for entertainment’s sake. You think any of my anecdotes are made up? All nonfiction, baby.
It’s ME putting my potential career on the line. You think I can put any of these articles in my journalism portfolio? Think again. Future employers look up my name and all they find is boopity doop writing about Tinder and TikTok — my two favorite hobbies, nonetheless, but not really what employers are looking for.
Really the only job that might need to look at my Banter portfolio is Sitcom Episode Namer. I could probably kill that career.
While it’s undeniable my writing is pretty good, my stories don’t often require interviewing sources, crafting coherent storylines or, well, any tie to journalism at all. Instead, I just write literally what I’m thinking at that second. Which is scary, but amusing.
And my Badger Herald colleagues? What, they’re going to write in a newsroom? Be business professionals?
All they know is:
Laugh hysterically at Banter content
All I know is:
Drink better beer
Be sad no one is funny as me
I will take the time to say if anyone in the office ever cracked a joke and got attention, I would be deeply disheartened and probably quit, so keep it up guys.
I also can’t write this without acknowledging my ~two~ writers. I’ve never met y’all in person and don’t even know what you look like … wait send a pic, I might text you later. They’re honestly pretty funny, but I like to pretend I’m their mentor. I don’t advise them at all. I really just delete the oxford commas out of their pieces and hit publish.
So, while it’s frustrating, annoying and scary to be the singular-ish humorous person at The Badger Herald, it’s also an honor.
Believe it or not, people stop me walking down the street. They look into my stunning, grey with a yellow sunburst eyes and are star struck.
“Wait,” people say. “Are you Keagan ‘Smokin Hot’ Schlosser, the author of ‘Which outdoor patio are you?’” I kind of laugh and nod.
“Yes, that’s me. But my work isn’t really that good,” I say.
“No, you don’t understand,” they say. “That quiz changed my outlook on life.”
They start crying, I start crying, I crack a joke and they cry harder, but this time out of laughter.
This HAS happened before! And it’s a weird phenomenon being recognized by my humble, volunteer work at this paper.
While I have my qualms with the staff, the BH has a sweet spot in my heart. I can read no news, stay updated on no city happenings, write stupid sentences that make no sense AND have fun all at the same time.
Banter Editor out.