Here at The Badger Herald, we know you’re no Michelin Star chef. You’re more of a drunken Guy Fieri whose taste buds have been seared off. Despite your complete culinary ineptitude and kitchens being closed due to COVID (thanks Becky), it looks like you’re going to have to improvise. But, with these helpful tips and tricks, you’ll be able to eat like kings and queens while slouched over your laptop. I know you’re slouching, sit up king, your crown is falling.

Mac and Cheese with Ease

Hungry but can’t get your sorry buttocks out of your room? Try some microwavable mac and cheese. Don’t have a microwave anymore cause your roommate Travis decided it would be “really funny” if he put 40 of Gordon’s plastic forks in the microwave for three minutes? Well then, just eat it plain. Mmmmm dry pasta and powdered “cheese.” You’ll love how much it doesn’t taste like real food.

Yerba Delight

We all know you are a disgusting, filthy, unkempt college student which means I bet you haven’t emptied any of your trash cans in weeks. 

You haven’t? Called it. 

But, your profound laziness has created an opportunity to save big on caffeine. Upon waking up 45 minutes late for a 9 a.m. class, instead of extending your tardiness to grab some coffee, collect every Yerba Mate can that has been sitting in your recycling bin for days now, dump each of the dredges into a cup and voila — a full serving of Yerba. Nothing says “good morning cruel world” like week-old Revel Berry mixed with leftover Enlighten Mint.

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Gordon’s Secret Grub

Are you out of money on your dining card because the American public school system failed you and you never learned financial literacy in high school? Well, if you have somehow spent over $1,000 in the span of a month like a poo-poo head, look no further than the condiments section of your local dining hall.

Instead of enjoying the traditional meals at your respective dining halls, you can prepare a meal of ketchup, soy sauce and mustard. The only payment is whatever dignity you have left!

No-bake Cakes

Why is my tongue blue you ask? No, I didn’t just eat out Smurfette (call you later babe), I just paid a trip to the boy’s bathroom where they have some delicious “cakes.” These blue, round treats hit the spot and have a great minty aftertaste. 

But, these coveted items do require some skill in retrieving. Last time I was stuffing my face with these scrumptious snacks, a janitor found me. Of course, he was going on and on about “those aren’t for eating” and “oh dear God, she’s eating the urinal cakes again” … but those are just the trivial judgments of people with no damn taste.

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Ramen, more like Ra-YUM

Ramen is a staple in the college community. Nothing screams college like undercooked Chicken Maruchan at 3 a.m. complemented by the salty tears you’ve produced as a result of a two-week overdue paper that you were given an extension on but somehow still saved for the last minute just so you could feel the rush of pure adrenaline that can only come from blatant procrastination.

Traditionally, you would boil water, add the noodles, then the seasoning and eat your ramen piping hot and fully cooked. Now I know what you are thinking — “Ayomi, according to the University Student Housing Handbook, we are not allowed to have cooking appliances with an exposed heating element!”

Okay, first of all, shut up nerd. Second of all, you don’t need to have a stove or even a kettle to enjoy ramen. 

Despite what the FDA describes as “kinda gross, but you do you boo,” you can actually eat three-minute ramen raw! Just open that seasoning packet, dump it all over the block of uncooked noodles, and take a bite. YUM! Tastes like sodium and disappointment.

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Throwback Thursday

Let’s just start eating tide pods again. Just kidding! I know y’all don’t clean your clothes with detergent. And I know DAMN well you Wisco boys don’t be washing your buttholes. Y’all nasty.

With these easy “cooking” tricks, you can eat well without eating into your wallet. Haha! But seriously, if you eat dry noodles, don’t speak to me, cause I will kill you.