There is a storm brewing over the isthmus.
A hot, angry wind blasts down the streets of Madison, pumping primal hedonism into the veins of any Badger with half a pulse. The air hangs heavy with a barbaric drive toward excess, a white-hot inferno fueled by pure ethanol. Burnett’s soaks the soil and a mist of Coors refracts the Wisconsin sun.
This can only be Mifflin.
To an outsider, the drunken mechanics of this fever rodeo can be frightening, a deafening supernova projecting the very antithesis of sobriety. For thousands of uninitiated freshmen and countless transfer students, this may very well be the case. But do not fret.
The makings of Mifflin have been courteously decoded by The Badger Herald to ensure your first visit to this riotous orgy of bottom-shelf beverages goes as smoothly as possible.
As follows is our tip sheet for a first-timer’s trip to Mifflin.
Have your party tunic inspected by the Ministry of Festivities.
Nothing is more revealing of a newcomer than showing up without the proper vestments. Ensure your sacred garments are properly ironed and free of stains before heading out this Saturday.
Prepare a hearty Mifflin roast.
Pay tribute to your hosts by appearing with 30 to 40 pounds of roasted, garnished meats. To do any less would simply be inconsiderate. Contact your local butcher ahead of time, as demand is high this time of year.
Make the proper weather considerations.
This year’s forecast predicts significant rainfall. Plan accordingly by wearing an oxygen tank and rebreather apparatus.
Wear a name tag.
Write “Peter” on the name tag so everyone knows who you are.
Keep your acronyms in order.
Don’t be fooled — the term “BYOB” means “bring your old babysitter.” Get in contact with your childhood guardian and bring them to any party that demands it.
At noon, light a candle in honor of Winthrop Mifflin.
This brave martyr was murdered by the Freemasons in 1841 for renouncing the infamous Edict of Smirnoff. Please pay your respects.
Don’t let hunger spoil your fun.
A growling stomach can damper even the best of parties. Circumvent this issue by bringing along a satchel of nutritious clams to eat throughout the day.
Bring Mifflin home with you.
Don’t leave without a keepsake. When you decide you have had your fill of this thunderous booze riot, pour a beer in your pocket that you can enjoy later.
Check for ticks.
When you arrive back at your home, scan your body for these pernicious arachnids, which tend to live in dense forests and beer bongs. They will latch on to you to try and suck delicious alcohol from your veins.
If you die in Mifflin, you die in real life, too.