Coordinates: [43º 4′ 32″ N, 89º 24′ 15″ W]

Altitude: 283 meters above sea level

If you’ve ever fantasized about taking a shit in the lobby of a Ritz-Carlton hotel, this is the next best thing.

This bathroom is an absolute monument to luxury, and an exemplary beacon of interior design. If you’ve been binging on rare beef and blue cheese and are looking for an obscenely comfortable spot to process that disastrous bowel movement, look no further than the first floor of Madison’s collegiate jewel, Bascom Hall.

Bascom Hall’s worn, gray hallways conceal this absolute gem of a commode, which feels like it belongs more in Versailles than it does in South Central Wisconsin.

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Varnished wood stall doors open smoothly and silently on sparkling chrome hinges. The bathroom is replete with tasteful polished chrome accents — stall dividers, metalwork atop stall dividers and the door latches all sparkle radiantly.

The bathroom’s color palette is a purposeful and classy blend of whites, grays and polished silver. The whole room radiates with European elegance in every detail — the two urinals are spaced a tasteful distance apart, and the air smells of freshly-hewn pine.

People around the globe pay thousands of dollars per night to stay in rooms worse than the handicapped stall of this fine restroom.

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Atmospherically, the bathroom is magnificent. A pristine white natural light shines in from a fogged-glass, colonial-style window, aided by numerous light fixtures attached on shining brass mounts.

The room enjoys tranquil silence, interrupted only by the echoing footfalls of fine Italian leather loafers strolling down the adjacent hallway. Excelling in all regards, Bascom’s first floor toilets are an absolute royal flush.

 Specifics 

Traffic: Approximately three foreign dignitaries per hour

Stalls: One standard, one executive suite

Toilet Paper: Thin one-ply, surprisingly not silk

Sinks: Two chrome-plated faucets, marble countertop

Hand Dryers: Paper towels, Dyson Airblade

Cell Service: Three bars and reliable wifi

Toilet Flush Mechanism: Automatic

Graffiti: Heavens, no.

Overall rating: 4.9/5