Sometimes breakups are only the beginning of relationships. Think about it: After spending a good few months, or even years, with the same person, doesn't it seem like a waste to just end things at the snap of the hand and move on?
What about all that time you invested in that someone? Was it a waste? Well, technically it isn't a waste because you will always have the fond memories to reflect back on in the future, but really, who cares?
Usually, if the breakup is remotely civil, it will go along the lines of the big break, followed by, "But I still totally want to be friends." However, saying and doing don't always coincide, at least not initially.
Truthfully, it's hard to just completely walk away from someone and never see or think of that person again. There are cases, however, after an extremely messy breakup in which the mere sight of that individual completely repulses you. Yet, the grand majority of the time, we find ourselves still curious about our ex's whereabouts, whom he or she is dating and anything else of that importance.
Skip about a month or so. One of you gives in and seeks the other out to go get some coffee. Perhaps the aroma of coffee brings you back to happier times, and you can't help but reminisce about how good things were. This reflection inevitably leads to dinner and then topping off the night at your ex's place to watch a movie.
Suddenly, you find yourself on your ex's couch, feeling too comfortable and familiar. Your ex has the same feeling, starts wondering why you're actually watching the movie and then slowly decides to make a move. You comply — obviously — and what do you know? Your friendship just became a little more ambiguous.
This leads to the nearly inevitable post-breakup romp.
But what is it that really draws us back to our exes? Is it that we really miss them, or do we just miss the idea of having someone?
Maybe it's because they now have a new, hot girlfriend or boyfriend who you know they are just dating to shove it in your face. Really, there are usually multiple factors as to why, after a breakup, our former flames may seem more appealing; usually, though, the reasons fall under those basic categories.
Now that we've established why relationships don't end when the breakup occurs, let's take a look at the positives and negatives of hooking up in a post-breakup world.
The positives of hooking up with an ex are pretty self-explanatory. First of all, your ex knows you mentally, emotionally and sexually. Therefore, you won't have to go through the ritual "firsts" whether it is the first fight, kiss or anything else of that nature. Eliminating the "firsts" that come with new relationships reduces the awkwardness of certain situations.
Also, since your ex knows you so well, you two will continue to have a strong emotional bond. Your conversation will flow smoothly, and the silences will not be awkward. This emotional connection also makes for better sex. I would hope that if you'd dated before you had (or most likely) still have feelings for this person, which will make your sex all the more meaningful and pleasurable.
Another positive of post-breakup hookups is that maybe the second or even third time will be the charm — you two may get back together. The reunion can really be the fun part, because you've learned from your previous mistakes. Also, you get to know the person in a different context; hopefully, they've grown up or changed in another way for the better. This is especially fun if you've been apart for a while — you get an upgrade of the person he or she used to be.
However, as I'm sure most of us have noticed, hooking up with an ex doesn't always lead to a happy ending. Both of you will be on your guard, and it will be hard for either of you to trust the other again. Therefore, if you do end up hooking up, you may both put up the front that it is just about sex.
This is thin-ice territory. I don't know any couple that dated, broke up and hooked up without any emotional strings attached, yet people claim this all the time. Let's be honest, even if you've convinced yourself you don't care if your ex — who is simultaneously the person you're hooking up with — is hooking up with someone else, you know you do.
Another negative aspect of rekindling with a former flame is that you probably broke up in the first place for a reason. Coming back to the same person, despite a fair share of problems, isn't the best signal of a healthy relationship. Maybe the two of you just need to move on for good.
Finally, staying fixated on the same person closes you off for opening up to new relationships. You may be so hung up on that someone who isn't right for you that you can't see someone who is perfect for you and right before your eyes. Even though you're comfortable with the familiar and don't have to worry about those awkward beginnings, sometimes those are the moments that are the most fun.
All in all, hooking up with an ex does have its positives and its setbacks. If you're going to do it, wait a good amount of time so you've both grown up a bit. Remember, it's OK to move on and date others. But then again, there is the small chance that you made a mistake the first time around.
Jenny Kalaidis is a freshman majoring in communication arts and journalism. Are you a fan of breakup sex? Send questions, comments and tales of sexual escapades to [email protected].