I think it's time we take a look into the future. The future? That's right, the future. All the way to the year 2009.
Ah, 2009. Global warming will have evaporated Earth's lakes and oceans, bankrupting boating businesses, but booming the salt industry. Our planet will be forced to rely on the help of a mysterious creature from outer space who, it turns out, does not fulfill its promise to hydrate us, but rather delivers a horrible firestorm that it creates by winking its third eye from the left. To make things worse, the creature rounds up the badly burned survivors and forces them to roll around in the salty remains of our oceans. Damn you space creature! Stop using our planet against us! And, of course, Conan O'Brien will take over as the host of "The Tonight Show."
Assuming he survives, Conan will surely become one of the greatest "Tonight Show" hosts ever, on par with Carson and Paar. The only fear I have is that the earlier time slot may restrict his more irreverent jokes and skits. Jay Leno's current "Tonight Show" is squeaky clean by comparison to Conan's "Late Night." Are people ready for Conan an hour earlier?
Apparently, not everyone is ready for Conan four-and-a-half hours earlier. After doing an amazing job of hosting the Emmys, some people complained that his introduction, in which he is riding on an airplane that crashes a la "Lost," was insensitive to the victims of a plane crash that took place in Kentucky earlier that day. Granted, most of the outrage seemed to be media-generated. Luckily, I'm a fairly irrelevant voice in the media. Maybe I can generate some minor outrage over the outrage.
First of all, the skit was filmed well before the crash. Secondly, as sad as it is that people died in a plane crash that day, it is not as if people have never died in a plane crash. If things that cause people to die were off limits, everything would be off limits. People have died in office-related accidents in the past. So did Conan's visit to the set of "The Office" offend people? No. Instead, the crowd cheered upon seeing Steve Carell and subsequently pissed me off because I couldn't hear the first thing he said. C'mon people, let the man speak, and then applaud.
The reason this entire hubbub makes me worry is that if something as harmless as a "Lost" parody gets the media and the public riled up, then how is Conan going to be able to preserve such characters as Triumph the Insult Comic Dog or Masturbating Bear? Nevertheless, I trust that Conan would not allow his comedy to be constrained.
Another concern with his move is who they will get to replace Conan on "Late Night." I hope to God it's not Carson Daly. It's unfortunate enough that he shares a name with a late night legend — he doesn't have to get one step closer to hosting the same show. Carson Daly would make Craig Ferguson look like Conan O'Brien.
I could see someone like Demetri Martin taking over the show. Demetri is currently best known for this "Trendspotting" segment on "The Daily Show." His brand of witty, offbeat humor would complement Conan nicely. Plus, Demetri wrote for "Late Night," so he is already aware of how it works.
If not Demetri, I'm sure David Cross could take the show in an interesting direction. Perhaps he'd turn it into a parody of sorts. Michael Ian Black would also be an appropriate choice. He was painfully close to replacing Craig Kilborn on "The Late Late Show" before Craig Ferguson officially got the job. My guess is that it was cheaper and easier to simply change the last name on all the signs. If his name were Craig Ian Black, he would have gotten the job. Anyway, I'm just listing off the comedians I like. I doubt these people are even being considered or have the slightest chance. A man can dream though.
Whoever NBC may get to host "Late Night," Conan would be a hard act to follow, in the sense of taking over his position as well as following his new time slot. When I tune into the new season of "The Tonight Show" in 2009, all I ask is that I can sit back, rub some aloe on my burns and enjoy a Triumph the Insult Comic Dog that remains insulting and a Masturbating Bear that is as masturbatory as ever.
Mike Peters is a senior focusing on communication arts, film and business. Want to talk comedy with him? Send questions or comments his way at [email protected].