For anyone who's ever seen "Pulp Fiction" or caught even a glimpse of "The Incredibles," a common trend quickly emerges from these quality films — don't mess with Samuel L. Jackson, even in cartoon form. Not if you don't want to get roughed the hell up, that is.
When Samuel L. says, "Do what I say, you live," his wishes are obeyed. When Samuel L. says, "We got to put up a barricade to protect us from the snakes!" it's done, in record time.
And for God's sake, when Samuel L. Jackson, of "Star Wars" and "Pulp Fiction" fame, makes a personal phone call demanding you to see "Snakes on a Plane," the one summer movie guaranteed to take a bite out of your butt, you better do it, damn it.
OK, so maybe the phone call was pre-recorded and just a taste of a kick-ass marketing campaign that has stirred quite the buzz around this action flick, but "Snakes on a Plane" certainly lives up to the hype. It may not boast the highest quality storyline or cinematography, but what it lacks in substance, it compensates tenfold in pure, unadulterated ridiculousness. “SoaP's” attempts at fright are laughable. The one-liners and stereotypes are plentiful.
The cast is comprised of equal parts B-grade, porn-quality thespians in varying stages of 1990s nostalgia. And of course, what would a movie like "Snakes on a Plane" be without tacky special effects (ie: "snakevision" — think night vision, but blurrier and from strange angles) and a mind-bogglingly idiotic plot? Seriously, could the audience expect anything less from director David R. Ellis, the same guy who brought us "Cellular" and "Final Destination 2"?
SoaP’s plot is centered on an FBI mission to protect a witness called to testify in Los Angeles against Eddie Kim, one badass mobster who could have used a few more hugs during his childhood and spent a little less time playing human-skull piñata. After witness Sean Jones discovers Kim and company's wrongdoings (in the middle of a random Hawaiian jungle, while driving a motorbike, wearing a helmet that shields his facial features and makes a clear escape) Kim's cronies are obviously able to pinpoint his exact address. Luckily, just as Sean glances through the peephole to discover he is under siege, Samuel L., aka agent Neville Flynn has used his FBI ESP and entered the apartment ready to bust the kneecaps of any intruder to protect the key witness.
The events over the next 24 hours are critical. Agent Flynn must ensure the safe passage of the witness from Hawaii to Los Angeles to testify against Kim — only a five-hour flight, what could possibly go wrong? Well, perhaps Kim's inside man could go undetected by security and load hundreds of venomous snakes into the cargo hold and then proceed to spray each and every one of the passengers' Aloha leis with high doses of pheromones to create a reptilian frenzy — or, as Samuel L. would say, "snakes on crack."
Samuel L. Jackson channels his inner badass taking out snakes by any means necessary as they rain down upon the passengers in place of oxygen masks and quickly take over the airplane restrooms and cockpit. The man has no fear — rendering snakes useless with a taser, a gun, a harpoon and even his bare hands. When faced with hundreds of poisonous snakes, Jackson has zero tolerance. The only problem is, it takes him until nearly the end of the film to reach his boiling point and unleash the best one-liner of the summer. But it's truly worth the wait.
The rest of the cast does a great job fitting each and every one of the stereotypical flight roles: the pervert cowboy pilot, the bubbly flight attendant, the effeminate male flight attendant, the overweight lady, the woman with a baby, the weary flier, the rich girl with a yippy, annoying dog and the snooty foreign traveler; this flight has one of everything.
Certainly, with a group that obnoxious, not all of them can live to see Los Angeles and a set of survival "dos and don'ts" starts to emerge.
DO: Fly unattended under the age of 12 — snakes will merely give you a small bite and be on their way. DO: Rid yourself of that ankle-biting dog dressed in pink — it's much better to let the snake feast on dog bones than your own, and an extra bonus, think of all the purse space it frees up. DO NOT: Attempt to join the "mile high" club — snakes will attack your snake. DO NOT: Use the bathroom while the plane is under snake attack — see previous.
While "Snakes on a Plane" may not be the most intellectually stimulating, action-packed film of the summer, it's a must see out of pure principle. See it because that's what Samuel L. would want the American public to do. See it because it could have been called "Pacific Air Flight 121" but held strong to its honest, plot-telling moniker. See it because it's so amazingly bad that it's good.
Grade: 4 out of 5
