When it comes to the mailbag, I was admittedly a little skeptical, since I always think answering reader questions instead of putting out a real column is a sign of laziness from a columnist. The reason I agreed, in the end, was because there is so much material that comes from my readers. Really, I enjoy everything you guys send to me, whether it be your drunken reactions to a column or a link to a website where I can hire Steve Spurrier as a motivational speaker (My first question from Steve, by the way, would be "Are you aware that every Sunday for two years, you managed to kill a little bit of my soul?"). I even get a kick out the "Do you know that you suck?" e-mails; I forward them to all my friends.

With all that out of the way, let's move on to the questions.

If you could have one celebrity's voice for a day, whose would you choose?

Easy one: Joe Paterno. I mean really, what could be more entertaining than going around my dorm the entire day and saying, "Before … during … and after the game" (By the way, when I die, I really want "Before … during … and after the game" carved on my tombstone. Or maybe "Forward. Thinking.")

It's pretty clear you're Pacino's bitch, but what are your thoughts on De Niro?

I love De Niro. For me, he and Pacino are one and two on the list of the greatest American actors. "Heat," "Godfather II," "Goodfellas" and "The Deer Hunter" are all on my top-20 list. "Casino," "Great Expectations," "Mean Streets," "Jackie Brown," "Wag the Dog" and "Awakenings" are all in the top-50 (I'm not a "Raging Bull" or "Taxi Driver" fan, but that's a column for another time. All classic movies, across the board. But since "Jackie Brown" in 1997, De Niro has been driving me a little crazy — he's just not taking chances. I mean, look at his IMDB page and you'll be astounded. With the exception of "Great Expectations" (where he really was just a second banana), the only watchable movie up there is "Ronin," the underrated 1998 David Mamet heist movie. "Meet the Parents" was all right, I guess, but it would have been exponentially funnier with Gene Hackman or Bill Murray in the lead role. And it's not like these movies are noble misfires. We're talking grade-A junk like "Men of Honor," "Godsend," "Showtime" and the horrific "City by the Sea" (which, it must be said, provides us one of the all-time great "Are we all on acid here?" moments when De Niro's character takes his grandson to the beach and was trying to be all grandfatherly with the kid, but then just blurted out for no apparent reason "Those are the rocks, that's the jetty," followed by a shot of the kid awkwardly staring up at him.

Now, look at what Pacino has done since 1998. Highlights include "Insomnia," "The Merchant of Venice," "Angels in America," "The Insider" and the underrated duo of "People I Know" and "Two for the Money." That's a murderer's row.

There's nothing wrong with being in bad movies, I suppose, but there is something wrong with sleepwalking through them, which De Niro has taken to doing as of late (Does anybody actually know if he was alive during "Meet the Fockers"?). Too often, he just seems to be doing stuff for the money.

That's not to say Pacino never sells out (he was in "Gigli," after all), but he really seems to be working for his money. Nobody is going to mistake "Scarface" for a great piece of art (full disclosure: I'm not a "Scarface" fan) but with Pacino in the lead role the damn thing became a cultural landmark. I only came up with three Pacino performances I would call forgettable — "The Recruit," "Sea of Love" and "Revolution." Even when he's in bad movies, he makes them interesting. He always rises above the material to do something special.

De Niro can't do that. He's much more beholden to his material. When he gets a great script, he always hits it out of the park, but he really hasn't found a lot of great scripts in the past eight years. Consequently, Pacino has surpassed him. We'll explore the studio space a little bit more on the Pacino vs. De Niro issue in a future column.

You're my new favorite Badger Herald writer to read while drunk. Don't take it the wrong way, but you are just much funnier when I'm trashed. But I don't like to read you while I'm stoned.

Personally, when I'm blitzed, I like to go online and read what the sabermetrics guy on ESPN.com has to say, but that's neither here nor there. Seriously though, can I put this guy's comments on all future job applications?

I agree that what I write is much funnier if you're, um, impaired. That's because pretty much everything I write in some way stems from something my friends or I shout on a Saturday morning in some sort of induced haze. They also come from any given conversation I have during the course of the week with my dad, who is the master of calling you on a Tuesday afternoon, stone sober, with an observation or comment that a normal person would only be able to make after doing peyote for two straight weeks.

Quote overheard on television the other day: "All day, I listen to excuses: my back hurts … my legs ache … I'm only four!" Now I'm sure it's Christmas!

OK, this e-mail doesn't have anything to do with anything (it came from one of my buddies back home in D.C.), but I was so shocked to see somebody work in a "Scrooged" reference, I just had to run with it.

Not only is "Scrooged" a great movie in and of itself, but it also is in the ranks of "Heat," "Ghostbusters," "Swingers," "Rounders," "Rushmore" and "In Good Company" as movies that any girl I'm seeing has to enjoy (or at least tolerate) if she wants to get bumped up to girlfriend status (let's face it, if a girl, or anybody, doesn't like "In Good Company," they don't have a soul). I mean, what better way to separate the wheat from the chaff this holiday season than by making them sit down and watch "Scrooged." If they get offended by the darkness, cruelty and all-around bitterness of the movie, they clearly aren't worth your time. But if they can sit down for two hours and laugh with you as Bill Murray makes fun of drunk hobos, and can appreciate the sublime beauty of vaguely touching lines like "I never like a girl well enough to give her 12 sharp knives," well then partner, you just may have found a soul mate.

Ray Gustini is a freshman majoring in political science and international studies. He loves the mailbag and invites readers to send him movie-related questions or comments at [email protected].