"The Exorcism of Emily Rose" is an awful movie. Awful, awful, awful. It does score points, however, for finding wonderful new ways of achieving its awfulness. Seriously, the problems that exist within "The Exorcism of Emily Rose" are so blatantly obvious that it's a wonder anybody at Sony let the film out of the studio.

I honestly don't think anybody involved with the making of this movie actually watched the final cut of the film. You may think I'm kidding, but I'm not. I am actually dead serious about this point. I imagine it happens once in a while: studios have so many movies floating around the pipeline that a few make it through the cracks and are released without so much as a glance. I'm sure that "The Exorcism of Emily Rose" could have slipped out the door while Sony executives were trying to find a way to write off "The Island." (Actually, Sony didn't produce "The Island," but it was such a flop, I'm sure that everybody in Hollywood, if not the country, lost money on it. I myself lost a good $8.75 and a few hours of my life).

I keep telling myself that nobody at Sony actually watched "The Exorcism of Emily Rose," because if that's not true, and the suits at Sony actually did see this movie, the fact that they decided to unleash it on an unsuspecting public means that the apocalypse is finally upon us and I should probably be gathering supplies and moving to higher ground.

The problems that plague "The Exorcism of Emily Rose" are the kind of issues that I thought I'd never again see in a movie made by bipeds. Sadly, I was mistaken. Touché, Sony. Touché.

I'm talking about things like actors talking over each other, breaking character during major scenes or bumping into furniture during a scene. I'm talking about accents coming and going, hair and costumes changing mid-scene. I'm talking about jump cuts that give the viewer vertigo and the decision not to let any natural light into the movie. I'm talking about director Scott Derrickson's bold decision to shoot courtroom and dorm scenes in actual courtrooms and dorms as opposed to… I don't know, visually appealing sets that don't make the viewer feel like they are actually sitting in hell. But hey, those are quibbles. Nobody really pays attention to that kind of stuff, right?

The plot, as it were, goes something like this: The talented and radiant Laura Linney ("Mystic River") plays an untalented and not-at-all-radiant big-city lawyer named Erin, who is very troubled. We know this because she puts away more booze in the first five minutes of the movie than a UW freshman during Welcome Week. Before she can even sober up, she is off to the sticks to defend Father Moore, a small-town priest (played by a sleepwalking and, at times, somewhat stoned-looking Tom Wilkinson). Father Moore is accused of botching an exorcism, which led to the death of the titular Ms. Rose, who was apparently possessed by a demon.

Because botching an exorcism isn't officially a crime, Father Moore is forced to stand trial for reckless homicide. A plea bargain is offered, but he refuses, ostensibly because he wants to tell Emily's story to the world. The secondary reason for his decision to turn down the plea bargain is that Father Moore seems to be a stupid man who is therefore compelled to make stupid decisions.

Prosecuting the case is Ethan Thomas, played by the dependable Campbell Scott. Scott's performance is actually quite good, but the overall effect is severely hampered by Scott's decision to sport a terrifying mustache that casts a pall over every scene in which it is featured. In a more organized production, the director might have said, "Campbell, the 'stache looks great, but it is really distracting and makes you look like Ron Burgundy's older brother. Could you shave it off?" Not here, though. In "The Exorcism of Emily Rose," weird facial hair is not only permitted, but encouraged.

As the movie and trial progress, we see flashbacks that chronicle Emily's plight and struggle with her demon friend. Emily is portrayed by newcomer Jennifer Carpenter, a rather unconvincing actress who also happens to have an abnormally large face. The prosecution argues that Emily was not possessed by a demon, but rather suffered something called a — let me check my notes here — Psychotic Epilectic Disorder, which is actually recognized by the AMA as a highly contagious fake disease. Realizing she cannot win the case because it is obvious her client royally botched the exorcism, Erin decides to suggest that maybe Emily really was possessed by a demon. It's a bold strategy, but not surprising, given that Erin has already proven herself to be quite a bad lawyer. Then there's a weird sequence involving clocks stopping at 3 a.m., which is notable only because we are shown enough clocks stopped at 3 a.m. that one may think the director was trying to get them a best supporting actor nomination.

So, for those of you keeping score at home, "The Exorcism of Emily Rose" is really two movies: a courtroom drama and a horror movie. It fails at both, which is part of what makes it so terrible — it's two bad movies in one. We shift back and forth between these two stories via an alarming series of jump cuts that actually did result in some cases of Psychotic Epilectic Disorder amongst members of the audience. The courtroom drama leads up to two remarkably uninteresting closing arguments, while the horror movie leads up to the most incompetently executed exorcism in history. Without giving too much away, let's just say that Father Moore, who is supposed to be viewers' hero, gets his ass kicked during the exorcism by a single tabby cat.

In the end, the biggest disappointment in the movie was not Laura Linney, Tom Wilkinson, Scott Derrickson or the suits at Sony who greenlighted this movie. The disappointment is the demon that possessed Emily. I mean, why on earth would you want to possess some hayseed like Emily Rose? What does The Horned One gain from that? Why not go after somebody important like Karl Rove or Liz Phair or Jerry Bruckheimer? Am I the only one who thinks about this? Anybody want to back me up on this point? Bueller?

Grade: F