The winner of Between the Sheet’s first Sex Contest has been decided, and the honor goes to a female student whose one-night stand turned out to be a rather golden opportunity. In an email from the student detailing her experiences with a bladder-challenged bedmate, she wrote, “I was at a party one night and I really hit it off with this guy, he was lookin’ good and was a real sweet talker. We ended up going to his place after the party, one thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him.
Later that night, we started messing around again. He was on top and then all of a sudden he got really still. I didn’t know if he was about to bust a nut or what, so I waited and waited some more. Then I realized something definitely was not right. He was PEEING IN ME!!!!!! I threw him off and was freaking out. What the hell was wrong with this guy? It was the worst sexual experience ever.”
I think it’s pretty clear why this particular girl was the indisputable winner, and I only hope that her winning prize will redeem some of the pain of that experience. And I thought a guy getting up in the middle of sex to piss in a plant was a bad experience…
Moving on, I also wanted to draw attention to a sexuality workshop going on tonight at 7 p.m. at Chadbourne Commons. The workshop is open to everyone and will allow students to discuss a wide range of topics from sexual orientation to tips for improving your sex life.
It sounds like a lot of fun, and who knows, maybe you’ll even learn something new. While we’re on the topic of students’ sex lives, I am proud to present some of the best responses I received in answer to last week’s question on most desirable place to have sex at or person to have sex with.
Responses ranged from the mundane to the obscure, but my definite favorite was the girl who wrote, “I would have it in one of those zero-gravity places that NASA uses to train the astronauts… imagine all the possible positions and new things you could try out!”
Also notable was one student’s desire to have sex with R. Kelly because, “…as scandalous as the entire situation is surrounding him, the man seems so smooth and suave. His lyrics make you know he’d be as much of a pimp in bed as he sounds on his CDs.”
Not exactly the most likely criterion for choosing a lover, but, hey, whatever floats your boat. In typical Wisconsin style, one male simply wrote, “If I could have sex anywhere in the world, I would want to do it on the 50-yard line of Lambeau Field with my girlfriend.”
Unoriginal though it may be, the idea of getting laid on the very same field where the great “Pack” plays football is a fantasy many Wisconsinites can’t seem to resist. Thank god I’m a Bears fan.
And last but not least, one prolific male wrote that he would like to have sex in either, “a store like Selective Video or else the Lincoln bedroom of the White House.” And you thought politics were boring…
Seeing as this Friday is my birthday, I’ve decided to devote the rest of this week’s column to the ins and outs of sexual gift giving. According to The Birthday Server Online, May is the third-highest ranked month in number of birthdays, so surely there is someone you know whose “special day” would be made that much more special by a new sex toy. And if not, use the following suggestions to reward yourself after a semester’s worth of hard work.
In order to better service the needs of the student body (and bodies), I’ve weeded out cheesy sex toys, mediocre porn and gimmicky erotic gadgets in order to deliver the most comprehensive list available to date. Just remember, in most cases, batteries are not included.
Looking for something for that special techie in your life? Know a girl who just can’t get enough add-ons for her new iMac? Well, look no further. Adult novelty company Doc Johnson has brilliantly exploited the hi-tech color trend and designed a line of pocket rocket vibrators in iMac colors like grape and tangerine.
Aptly named iVibes (“iVibe, therefore I am”), these futuristic buzzing beauties are small enough to carry in your purse but strong enough to get the job done. They usually sell for about $30 and can be found online at Rubbererotica.com. And if you’re looking for a little something extra to throw in with it, why not snatch up one of the “I Love My Cunt” mousepads sold for $12.99 at www.khunt.net.
For those of you with jailbait girlfriends, I strongly recommend the new Hello Kitty and Rubber Ducky vibrators. Made of hard bubble-gum pink plastic and topped with the torso of the perennially popular Sanrio icon, the Hello Kitty vibrator is a straightforward sex toy with few frills to offer beyond its disturbingly cute facade. Still, it gets the job done.
It is available for $25 at www.jlist.com. Likewise, the Rub My Ducky vibrator looks just like a little yellow tub ducky you might find in any child’s bathtub, but with the addition of a gentle vibrator, the Ducky makes bath time a lot more fun. Available for $29.99 at Vibrators.com.
Looking for something for the jealous male in your life? Afraid your new sex toys may leave your boy toy feeling inadequate? Look no further than the Fleshlight. Featuring a sleeve made of remarkably lifelike thermal plastic (rumored to have been originally developed by NASA) and encased in a silver plastic tube resembling a giant flashlight (hence the name), the Fleshlight is said to be so good that with a little lube, he may never leave the house again. The toy comes in a variety of styles including anus, vagina and mouth. Get in on the action at Fleshlight.com for $49.95.
Short on cash? Surf on over to Coolcondoms.com, where you can customize your choice of protection or choose from a variety of themes including sports, professions and hobbies. Because there really is no better way to show someone you care than by giving him or her the opportunity to practice safe sex.
