Ann: Charlie Sheen has right ‘bi-winning’ attitude to continue reign as most self-destructive celeb
It seems an apocalyptic meteor has been launched into the hills of Hollywood rendering an all-out meltdown of our favorite celebrities. Sarah and I have been closely following these spiraling celebrity declines and find ourselves at crossroads of a highly important, hotly contested debate: Who’s having the worst pre-rehab nervous breakdown?
This isn’t much of a fair fight considering his name alone can knock out any other floundering contender in the first round (especially a novice lush like Christina Aguilera), but after his recent public mishaps, it’s pretty clear Charlie Sheen is indeed having the worst La La Land meltdown.
Where to begin? Let’s start with what happened this week. He went on two morning shows and confirmed the singular thought audiences everywhere had already come to terms with: Sheen is indeed crazy.
He openly admitted he’s clean, except for the caveat that he’s now on a drug called “Charlie Sheen,” and when asked to respond to allegations that he suffers from bi-polar disorder the “Two and a Half Men” star answered that he’s not bi-polar, he’s “bi-winning.” Perhaps too many hits of Charlie Sheen have addled his level of sanity.
Also careful not to neglect his love life despite a minor problem with addiction, Sheen now has two girlfriends to boast of. This is an impressive feat considering a geriatric Hugh Hefner doesn’t even have two lovers anymore. Perhaps Sheen is the new Hef – sans the crushed velvet robes and orthopedic shoes.
Sure, Aguilera flubbed the lyrics to America’s most revered song at the Super Bowl, but did she also recently advise the UCLA baseball team that they should “stay off the crack,” unless they can manage it socially, then they should “go for it”? Aguilera obviously doesn’t have enough of a “bi-winning” attitude.
Nobody likes to see a Mouseketeer fall from grace, but luckily Aguilera has nothing to fear with Sheen proclaiming, “Dyin’s for fools!”
Sarah: Christina Aguilera begins a boozy path to career funeral with national anthem fumble
After hearing yesterday morning that Christina Aguilera would be the third judge on NBC’s Idol-spinoff “The Voice,” I could only hope this opportunity would be an upswing to what can only be called a rough year for the vocalist.
For someone who still has “Genie in a Bottle” and “Come on Over” pretty high up on her iTunes “Most Played” list, I have been pretty disappointed in Christina’s supposed decline – beginning with a canceled summer tour and the release of a fiasco of Bionic proportions, and culminating with a recent arrest for public intoxication. Really, X-Tina?
Charlie Sheen is obviously having a hard time of it too, but at least we can get some entertainment out of his plight (read: “Charlie Sheen ‘Bi-winning’ Dubstep” video on Youtube, which remixes Sheen’s erratic Good Morning America interview with some wanna-be progressive house beats).
Now, I have to bring up the Super Bowl. Real talk, this annual event is watched for three reasons: Commercials, the Half Time Show and the National Anthem. Thanks to Christina (aided substantially by Fergie’s singing and Groupon’s money-hungry lack of propriety) none of the three were standouts, and we all ended up actually watching the game. Aguilera’s performance was a non-comedic embodiment of Maya Rudolph’s SNL skit, not to mention the lyrical flub. The saddest part is, I know that in her prime (anywhere ranging from her Mouseketeer days to Mulan’s “Reflection” to the Back to Basics era) she could have done an outstanding job.
Overall, I think the defining question for this debate is which would you rather have on your record: A raging cocaine addiction and rapidly growing laundry list of nonsensical quotes like “I’ve got tiger blood and Adonis DNA,” or the reputation for making Razzie-nominated and poor-grossing musicals with Cher? I’ll leave this one up to the readers.
