Sarah:

Sexified citizen: ‘I’m your average everyday person, except way slutty, hurrdurrdurr’

Every Halloween, we all see those girls (or guys) strutting down State Street in the most unappealing displays of sexual insecurity of the year – though a typical Friday night, for some, presents no better judgment in appropriate apparel. It’s amazing what a two dollar animal eared headband will do to an outfit that is otherwise completely made up of lingerie – oh, it’s now a costume. Maybe it’s because the people seeing our costumes are no longer our parents, teachers and neighbors, but instead our peer party-goers and the occasional police officer that makes it OK to don (or un-don) these types of freaky Halloween wearables. I find it unpleasing that the “treat” in trick or treat is now this unsettling genre of costumery, where people objectify themselves into make-believe eye candy under the crude guise of celebrating a national holiday.

The most popular of these costumes typically fall into two categories: Your typical “sexified” citizen, and the mythical or imaginary, with a gruesome albeit erection-enticing twist. I suppose when you are dealing with an item of dress-up that mirrors a fantastical character, you are at least going along to a greater extent with the spirit of Halloween. You are making an effort to be original and break out of the everyday. It seems like a cop out, however, to go the route of “I’m your average everyday person, except for slutty, hurrdurrdurr.”

Let’s start with the epitome and work our way down: The cop. Well that’s standard; let me guess, I’ve been bad and you’re going to put me in jail. Wow. Or maybe it’s just a really brilliant strategy to have a great Halloween night out; of course the real cops will think twice about sending you to detox because they’ll think you’re just one of their own. That plan could backfire, though, if you decide to dress up as a slutty nurse and they don’t realize you are not a real medical nurse but rather a very intoxicated patient indeed.

Next, let’s discuss the slutty librarian. Isn’t that creepy when you see a real life librarian, knowing you were totally turned on by a girl dressed up like one while grinding to “The Monster Mash”? I won’t even go there for the “sexy schoolgirl;” I think we all know how wrong that is on so many levels when translated to reality. I contend, the thought is undeniably scary if that’s what you’re going for.

Lastly, we will analyze the maid costume – usually they are French, I’m not sure why or if that matters. The maid is designed to be sexy because of the fact that she does your bidding – why does that turn the unwitting stranger on? Because you pay her to do her work, much like the job description of your ordinary neighborhood woman of ill repute. That may be taking the implications of the French maid costume too far, but it’s a disturbing theory nonetheless.

So please, I am begging you: Keep the costumes classy this October. And if you must wear something straight out of a porno, stick to the fictitious genie or pirate standbys. There’s less chance you will run into a real-life embodiment of your dirty Halloween deeds come Monday.

Ann:

Don’t mess with Hermione: Whimsical costumes are meant for kids, not you

It’s baaack – that one day of the year when society has deemed it acceptable to be a slutty fill-in-the-blank for Halloween. Throw on some lingerie, put a pair of animal ears on your head and call it a costume. Though some variations in the degree of whorish Halloween garb have gotten creative over the years – sexy bee, very clever – the facts remain: Salacious Halloween costumes are the epitome of lazy.

As if slutty versions of cats and cops wasn’t bad enough, sexy costumes that involve wings, wands or any other accessories that enhance your mythical “costume” are the embodiment of everything that is corrupt with the events of all Hallows eve. Storybook costumes like fairies and princesses are no doubt fun, but wearing the same outfit as your little cousin or that annoying kid you babysit presents a conundrum of sorts. Is it cute that you match? Nope.

And when you start foraying into Mother Goose inspired costumes, like Little Bo Peep and Little Red Riding Hood you truly disintegrate any fond memories of the past.

My corneas have been burned too many times by sexified Disney princesses shivering down State Street. It’s weird, I know, but throwing on a tight dress over your Vicky S. push-up bra and adding a sparkly crown – the only signifier of your identity – does not necessarily mean you’ve made an effort to dress holiday appropriate. I thought Disney related costumes were untouchable, sacred if you will, but too many of you have been proving me wrong.

Sure, destroying the wonder and legacy of Disney princesses makes me cry a thousand silent tears, but something far worse, something I hold dear to my heart, is the prevalence of naughty Hermione Granger costumes. People, Harry Potter is simply not sexy. I’ll admit, I’m counting down the days until the next HP movie like any faithful Hogwarts nerd would, but that doesn’t mean I want to get an early sexed-up preview by my fellow females.

At this point you’re probably wondering, what’s the big deal? So what if I wear a seductive Snow White costume? It’s Halloween dammit, and it’s my right to dress like a slut! Because these costumes involve absolutely no intelligent planning. They’re not ironic, or clever and subsequently beg the question, when did we all get a free pass to dress so erotically? As the days to plan a kick-ass Halloween slowly dwindle, think of Sarah and I as you attempt to squeeze into your X-rated racecar driver costume. Rule of thumb to live by: If you wouldn’t wear it trick or treating, you probably shouldn’t wear it all.