Ann Rivall
A lead role in the year’s most talked about movie means nothing when you’re up against real talent: Michael Cera

Though this pair may appear to be twinsies with their shifting eyes, rampant “ums” in dialogue and nervous half-chortles, there are in fact stark differences between Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg – the main difference being that Cera is far superior. In my eyes, the more awkward the actor, the better the man.

Here’s a true confession for you: My fellow ArtsEtc. editor couldn’t even remember Eisenberg’s name at first when we came up with the brilliant idea for this PCP. I was startled at this fact because I know Sarah’s adoration for “The Social Network” star runs pretty deep, even deeper than her affection for pig shaped silly bandz. But her allegiance to Eisenberg pales in comparison to the feelings I have for Michael. (Yeah, we’re on a first name basis.)

No bullshit this week, we’re looking at the straight facts:

Do I even need to mention “Arrested Development”? This cult favorite that was unrighteously forced to depart the television airwaves featured Michael in his awkward prime playing opposite Jason Batemen as George Michael Bluth. No one can act out steaming sexual tension with a cousin quite like Michael can. Eisenberg just doesn’t seem like he would have the acting chops to display the amount of gawky incest required for the role. Let’s be honest, it takes a strong man to share the screen with a never-nude.

I’ll have to agree with Sarah about the whole hair thing – Eisenberg does have a luscious head of locks that I wouldn’t mind coursing my fingers through, but if we’ve learned anything from stars with impressive mane (read: Patrick Dempsey) it’s that hair does not a great actor make.

Although it is undoubtedly eerie they both share those awkward facial features accompanied by the general awkward atmosphere that seems to hang in the air whenever they enter a scene, I think we can all agree at this point that Michael has the Clooneyesque sexiness that just can’t be matched by Eisenberg. I guess he’s handsome if you like that whole square jawline that seems to ooze hunk appeal.

But beyond the superficial physical characteristics that clearly define the pair, it’s their oratory skills that truly reveal who is the most awkward. Michael wins, every time. Void of any hints of charisma, Michael embraces his awkwardness, and for that I commend him. He’s not trying to be a “serious” actor by bringing sexy back with JT in a silly Facebook movie, he’s sticking with the role he’s been pigeon-holed into: The adorkable character we can all count on to make things impossibly awkward.

Fans have even created a “Michael Cera School of Acting” video on YouTube so we can all become well-versed in subjects like “Ceranomics,” “How to perpetually look like you’re seventeen” and “Inappropriate Laughter.” This must be where Eisenberg stole Michael’s superb performing arts skills. That’s downright shameful.

Michael is what people in the biz like to call a “quadruple threat.” He can act, dance, make us laugh and he can sing! I just tried looking up songs by Jesse Eisenberg on iTunes, but I couldn’t find anything. Apparently he and Ellen Page haven’t found time to record an acoustic guitar duo. And let’s not forget Michal’s rendition of “These Eyes” in “Superbad” – pure cinematic gold.

Sarah, please take that Jesse Eisenberg poster down from the Arts Corner, I think Michael and I just won.

Sarah Witman
Don’t let “Arrested Development” and “Juno” nostalgia get in the way of the true victor in this PCP: Jesse Eisenberg

After our riotous exploits last week with Silly Bandz (I think we all know who won that battle), Ann and I will discuss a less childish topic in this week’s PCP, comparing two of the most geeky faces to grace the silver screen: The two beloved young actors Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg. I will try my hardest not to be facetious with you readers, I understand they are both tearfully awkward. But I will argue that Jesse Eisenberg is a little less painful to watch act than Cera, and the better man for a number of reasons.

1. Eisenberg has shown he possesses more depth to his real-life personality. He created his own interactive website, called Oneupme.com, that’s actually really fun. Yet at the same time he has morals relating to the cyber world, preferring not to read what has been printed about him online. He told MTV News, “People can write things that are terribly cruel because of the anonymity of the Internet.” So, too bad for Ann, there’s no chance Jesse Eisenberg will ever have to see her rip him apart with her words. And, did you know, he did not even have a Facebook before he was approached about the lead role in “The Social Network”? How refreshing.

2. The roles he has portrayed have had far more luck with the ladies than Cera, who has fallen into a dangerously uninterrupted “Nerdy boy looking for love” casting cycle. While things steamed up for Jesse Eisenberg in Zombieland, the closest Michael Cera has come to true onscreen romance was with TV cousin Maeby in Arrested Development, which was pretty creepy and a little sad (even if she was a biological anomaly and they didn’t truly share DNA). His role with real-life girlfriend Charlyne Yi in Paper Heart was charming, but still, so unnatural. I mean, you two dated for three years, and a documentary-style film of 98 percent cordial dialogue is all we get to see happen between you comedic lovebirds? True, he did get Ellen Page pregnant in Juno, bravo Mr. Cera, but contributing to teen pregnancy (even theatrically) could never really be considered a positive attribute – especially when it is the result of such a lukewarm, unromantic sex scene. I mean really, is it possible for him to play a role where looking for love does not involve orange tic-tac breath and knee high athletic socks?

3. He has better hair.

4. While Cera comes from a diverse background – his father is Italian and his mother Canadian – there is no denying Eisenberg comes from a kickass family. His dad is a college professor, his mom was a clown for 20 years and his sister…wait for it…is Hallie Kate Eisenberg! Remember her? The curly haired girl who starred in “Paulie,” “The Miracle Worker” and so many Pepsi commercials? So cute.

5. For my final point, Jesse Eisenberg is the better man in this awkward-off because he doesn’t even have to act shy and socially unaware; he actually is. Where Cera has a fairly confident, mature offscreen persona (note point 2, he has had a girlfriend), an interview with The Chicago Tribune revealed Eisenberg is overly meticulous about how he appears on film. He apparently tries his utmost to avoid seeing himself act and will often frantically ask others on set how he is doing. Well, there you have it folks. I feel I’ve only scratched the surface in this column, but I think it’s safe to say anyone who has co-starred with a former member of N*Sync will win all bets.