You’re probably going to Freakfest this weekend. And, as such, you’re probably wondering: Should I go to All Time Low and enjoy their music, act reasonably throughout the concert and just generally enjoy myself? Or, should I go to All Time Low and dance in a manner inconsistent with human movement before that moment, all in a choreographed paean to the biggest post-pop-punk band to come out of Baltimore in the last five years? Should you choose the latter (and who wouldn’t?), here’s how your moves can be as successful – chronologically speaking – as All Time Low:
You’re going to want to start suddenly. Super suddenly. So suddenly, in fact, that everyone gets you mixed up with someone who’s been dancing for far longer with similar but better moves. With 2007’s So Wrong, It’s Right, All Time Low went from total anonymity to genre mainstay without bothering to stop at “relative obscurity” or “fresh new face” for a while.
The band’s sound took the emo-tinged cleverness of Fall Out Boy lyrics and dumbed those down to jibe with slightly hookier choruses and more traditional pop structures. So you’re going to want to take a modestly iconic dance move – say, the stanky leg – and then halve it, while adding a time-tested, but boring, standby. Voila: You’re doing the stanky waltz, which, coincidentally, describes So Wrong, It’s Right pretty perfectly.
You can carry on that way for half an hour or so, but after that it’s time to go truly mainstream. But not chart-topping mainstream. High school iPod mainstream.
That’s right, for your next move, you can pretty much just watch every Mac Miller video, and copy exactly what he does. Just like Wiz Khalifa’s favorite hat rack, there’s no better way to celebrate success among that crowd by doubling down and re-examining your past in every single thing you do. Nothing Personal, All Time Low’s most commercially succesful album to date, ran that route, complete with lyrics like, “But I’m stuck in this fucking rut/ Waiting on a second-hand pick-me-up/ And I’m over/ Getting older.”
That should get you through most of the night. Because, honestly, by the time you get to the point in your routine that signifies the release of this summer’s Dirty Work you’ll probably forever be a joke to those who were predisposed not to like you in the first place and a tolerable air-filler for the rest. But why worry? You’ve made it to Freakfest now, whether everyone else there likes it or not. Might as well enjoy yourself.
