Dear Hump Day, 

I’m nearing the end of my final semester here at UW and I have spent the last two years single, and this late in the game I’ve decided not to go looking for a relationship that will in all likelihood end in a couple months when I graduate. 

I’ve been on several dates and whatnot, but nothing ever came of them for a variety of complicated reasons that have nothing to do with this e-mail other than to say that it’s been a tough couple years. I’ve never been the hookup type (partly because the idea of a one-and-done relationship didn’t appeal to me, and partly because I live three miles from campus) but I recently had a one night stand during an evening of low inhibitions and high inebriation. 

Since then, I’ve come to reevaluate that stance. My problem actually isn’t with my relationships with women, but rather with my roommates post hookup. Both are very opposed to the notion of one night stands and have taken every opportunity to express their dissatisfaction with my evolving lifestyle and block my attempts to continue it. 

Both have also been in committed relationships for many years. I’ve tried to explain to them the social pressures involved (not the least of which comes directly from them) in being single for such an extended period and how the odd encounter makes it more bearable, but my arguments seem to only evoke comments about my apparent disregard of women, monogamy and disease control. How can I get them to, if not agree with me, at least understand my position enough so that they leave me alone?

Sincerely, 

Someone Is Not Getting Laid Enough

Dear SINGLE,

You’re certainly right about one thing: Our society puts a lot of pressure on dating. If you tell someone that you have been single for more than a year, many peers will look at you askance. The insinuation is that there must be something wrong with you if you haven’t settled on one person for at least a couple of weeks. And for what? Compromising on where to eat, how often you go out, perhaps even the number of times you get off.

I am not trying to downplay relationships. Many people are completely happy with them. But unless and until you have found a person that makes you happy in more ways than one, let me assure you and your roommates that there is nothing wrong with hooking up.

One night stands can be exciting. They allow you to explore new positions and techniques, not to mention new people… Problems only arise if you and your short-term partner are on different pages. This is especially true if you hook-up drunk. 

I highly encourage you to hook-up sober, as your risks and any misunderstandings are only increased when you and/or your partner are tipsy. If you insist on having sex while drunk, you should be comfortable staying safe while drunk. Next time you are a little tipsy, grab that condom and a banana or sex toy and practice putting it on. You’d be surprised how disorienting it can be.

There are many people in our community who would like to have fun in bed without any attachments. It is your job to make sure that your one-night partner wants the same. Tell them, “I really just want to play tonight. I am not looking for anything else.” See if they respond in kind. If they give any indication that they might want to go out for tea afterward or ask about your life goals, move on. Tell them, “Thank you very much, but I don’t think this is going to work.” By communicating and making sure that you are both on the same page, you will be laying the foundation for a very successful night.

Your roommates are right about one thing; the more partners you have, the more you expose yourself to potential infections and/or unintended pregnancy. Let’s for a moment explore your reasons for hooking up. 

If it is simply to experience orgasms, perhaps you should invest in a sex toy. Much less work and zero risk of STIs. If you want to hookup because you want to feel the warmth of someone’s body, perhaps getting a cuddle partner would do the same? If you really crave having sex with a person, how about finding a fuck buddy? A person who only wants to have sex with you, but over a longer period of time. You can go about this in several ways. 

OkCupid, a free dating site, lets you indicate if you only want to have casual sex. Many profiles describe that they are simply looking to have some fun. You can also approach a friend who you don’t necessary want to date and see if she would like some additional benefits with the friendship. You can even approach a woman in a bar or library, telling her you would love to eat her out for a week straight… With a proposition like that, few single women would turn you down.

Pleasure for pleasure’s sake is something we all practice. Almost every single person in this country enters a particular relationship because, at least initially, our partner gives us pleasure, whether it is mentally, spiritually, emotionally and yes, even physically. Your roommates have even done that. As long as you play safely and openly with your partners, they have no grounds on which to stand. And if they continue to give you dirty looks, remind them that jealousy is not a virtue.

This article was written by Nicolette Pawlowski. Nicolette is a trained sexual health educator
and a graduate student in EPS. All questions are from real readers. Have a sex or relationship question? Email: [email protected].