When "According to Jim" and "Two and a Half Men" are both nominated for an award, and one of them actually wins two, there is something seriously wrong with television. I'm not one of those doom-and-gloom critics who annually declare, fingers raised in their best Sideshow Mel impressions, "This! This is the lowest the boob tube can go!" On the contrary, there are probably more quality shows now than ever before. The problem is no one cares if you watch them. In case you were too outraged by Sally Field's polemic obscenity, let's review who went home with what last Sunday night: According to the disturbingly comprehensive database available at Emmys.com, Tony Bennett swept the Academy off its feet. Tony Bennett. More troubling than that, the change in voting procedures led to recognition of 33 new shows, but this simply meant everyone, even Charlie Sheen, went home with a golden nugget. What good is an awards show if it acts like your sixth-grade teacher and gives out a "Best Shoelace Tying" certificate? Much debate over this broad philosophical question has led to the creation of The Badger Herald's "Battle of the Networks," a not-so-friendly competition of the best and worst the CW, FOX, ABC, NBC, CBS and cable networks can throw at us. Obviously, this is not a scientific sampling, but think of this as the WW-whatever: It may still be fixed, but damn it, there will be a winner. So without further ado, we bring you "The New CW," which may not be any more a bastion of art than the Academy of Television, but at least it doesn't give out paperweights. "Gossip Girl" Wednesday, Sept. 26, 8 p.m. Long ago, before TheSuperficial.com began offending eyes everywhere and way before Perez Hilton paraded his pink-coifed self across computer screens, there was Cecily von Ziegesar's literary heroine and series "Gossip Girl." After 11 novels covering the sex lives, drinking habits and footwear of the New York elite, the Internet gossip maven now brings her snarky comments from the Web to the television in the latest CW series "Gossip Girl." Unfortunately, the television series, from "The O.C." creator Josh Schwartz, fails to live up to the (very low) standards set by von Ziegesar's uber-popular book series. The television version of "Gossip Girl" follows the lives of the overly primped, puffed and polished of the New York high life. In their world, Gucci pumps are a school uniform must-have, parents are just as toned, fabulous and conniving as their 17-year-old sons and daughters and the front steps of the Metropolitan Museum of Art serve as the perfect setting for that morning smoke. But gasp! The serenely beautiful and obviously troubled Serena Van der Woodsen (Blake Lively), best friend of the school's current reigning "it" girl, Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester), returns from boarding school after a year to shake up this seemingly perfect world, disrupting the lives and loves of nearly everyone in the city, including Blair's boyfriend Nate Archibald (Chace Crawford) and the tragically handsome, brooding loner Dan Humphrey (Penn Badgeley). This, of course, is all observed by the witty, yet entirely creepy narration of the infamous Gossip Girl, voiced by CW native Kristen Bell. Although the television adaptation excels in capturing the extravagant and twisted lifestyles of these spoiled teenagers, "Gossip Girl" tries too hard to draw a parallel between immorality and the characters' connection to the bedazzled city. Dan and Jenny Humphrey, although they attend private schools with the over-privileged, live with their former rocker father in a dark and humble flat. It's in these two characters viewers find some very Walton-flavored family moments and at least a glimpse of depth beyond Prada handbags and Pucci scarves. Sadly, "Gossip Girl" the television series strives to make von Ziegesar's superficial series into more than Kate Spade gift bags and Versace neck ties — and it's glaringly obvious. Like Michael Kors' backward-heel pump, this show is so over. — Sarah Probst "Life Is Wild" Sunday, Oct. 7, 7 p.m. Beautiful South Africa, known mostly for apartheid, Table Mountain, and wild safaris, may also come to be known as the home of one of the CW's newest experimental dramas, "Life is Wild." Sadly for the CW, this connection probably won't last past the first episode, and that's only if viewers don't tire of rolling their eyes and switch to another program before the end of the pilot. In this new drama, Katie Clarke, the show's obnoxious lead, is taken away from home in New York, her school and boyfriend so she can move to South Africa with her veterinarian father, banal mother, whiny little brother and endearingly callous, but endearingly protective stepbrother. If you can see that pitch being enthusiastically received by a CW programming executive then you already have far more imagination than the writers of this show. Yet somehow, "Life is Wild" was produced, and it seems to be taking itself far more seriously than any viewer ever will. When you think about it, it's kind of like filming a family that somehow got trapped inside Disney's Animal Kingdom, but less humorous than that would probably be. Because the CW is too wholesome to incorporate any of the serious racial issues still pervading post-apartheid South African culture, or even simpler plot devices, like lion maulings, the writers are left with little to work with. We've already seen every trick of the family drama between "Everwood" and "7th Heaven," so the show amuses itself with cute little South African superfluities, like a lost lion cub and sexy South African teenagers flirting with sexy American teenagers. But does that last one even count as a new idea? The undoing of "Life is Wild" will not be its obscure plot, but rather the actors' inability to portray their characters in a way that's even remotely believable. Leah Pipes, who plays the main character, Katie, reads her script as if she were plucked from Vilas Hall at random by a film student. But it wouldn't matter even if she did find her acting skills hidden in the African brush because her character is too incompetent and boring to maintain viewers' interest. The only character who stands out is Katie's stepbrother Jesse, played by Andrew St. John. He scored the role of the selfish stepbrother with an inherently good nature, possibly the only character with any dimension. Unfortunately, his place in the script seems only to serve the purpose of instigating more standardized and largely uninteresting primetime family crises. But if you have a hankering for a bit of South Africa, check out "Meerkat Manor." At least those furry beasts are interesting. — Matthew Straub "Reaper" Tuesday, Sept. 25, 8 p.m. Meet Sam (Bret Harrison, FOX's "Grounded for Life"), a college dropout who lives at home and works a dead-end job at a hardware store. He keeps a small posse of socially outcast friends and lusts over a girl he can never seem to say the right thing to. Oh, and his parents sold his soul to the Devil before he was born. Now reaching birthday No. 21, Sam discovers his parents' folly and must commence a lifetime of servitude. The Prince of Darkness in this poorly conceived com-thriller takes the form of a fashionably clad, middle-aged man (played by Ray Wise, "Good Night, and Good Luck"). The timid Sam will be his new bounty hunter, rounding up rogue hell escapees with a Dirt Devil. Hell on Earth, then, is the DMV, which serves as the portal between this world and the next. For an hourlong program, "Reaper" offers nothing worth getting excited about. Even if you put the absurdity of the plot aside, the Seth Rogen-esque comedy and forced sentimental moments do little to advance the show's appeal. Although "Reaper" projects itself as a clever and witty new show, it falls flat in execution. The only thing to fear in "Reaper" is the hour lost from watching it. — Ashley Jacobs "Aliens in America" Monday, Oct. 1, 7:30 p.m. Leave it to the CW to shoot its best show in the foot. There are no less than five Billboard Top 100 pop interludes in the first episode of "Aliens in America." Given the potentially tasteless subject matter ("Like, omg, Islam!"), most viewers outside the target market will change the channel as soon as they see the cheesy zoom-in-on-the-Earth intro or the first "fish out-of-high-school" cliché. And that's a shame, because if you can get past the fact that the suddenly blossomed "little" sister — whose actress looks approximately 11 years older than the main character, the newly braces-less Justin Tolchuk (Dan Byrd, "Lonely Hearts") — and the ignorant but good-at-heart middle-class parents. The actors play their stereotypes with aplomb and easy chemistry, and the heavy borrowing of "The Office"-style humor somehow still feels fresh. When the comic relief arrives in the form of a London, Pakistani-born exchange student, there is a hilarious scene in which a teacher explains in her best patronizing "The More You Know" voice that Raja Musharaff (Adhir Kalyan, "Fair City") practices "Muslimism," then asking everyone, "Let's be in a dialogue. … How does Raja and his differences make you feel?" One student responds thoughtfully, "Well, I guess it makes me angry. You know, because his people blew up those buildings in New York." It's hard to get past the tired, unrealistic plot devices, however. (Has anyone, ever, had something embarrassing posted on every locker at school? How do bullies afford all that paper?) And it's too soon to say whether or not "Aliens" will use its subject matter purely for easy jokes. There's one groan-worthy scene in which tacky electro-Indian music accompanies Raja's first, slow-motion lustful sighting of Justin's sister Claire (Lindsey Shaw, "The Great Lie"). Do they not have bratty white girls in London? At least the small-town Wisconsinites don't have obnoxious accents. But if "Aliens" can break free of its slavish devotion to sitcom formulas (including a wholesome ending that point-blank declares the false truism "people can change in an instant"), the show may join "Everybody Hates Chris" as a smart sitcom that isn't afraid to ostracize Americana. — Tim Williams