While there might be more accurate and thorough recaps of what happened this semester elsewhere in the paper, pivotal storylines on the University of Wisconsin campus have yet to receive their shining moment in print.
Let’s take a look back on the semester to see what our readers may have missed.
In late July, reports circulated pertaining to spooky ghosts found within the walls of Science Hall. Noted for their elegant slimy green trails of dust, the ghouls spoke of wrecking havoc on the school this semester. Most mortals paid little attention to this threat. The specters continued to haunt the campus throughout the semester and caused numerous unforeseen circumstances.
Football outcomes became the first victims of the ghosts’ tirades. A spiritual force moved the football on all of Rafael Gaglianone’s kicks in the game against Brigham Young University, setting off a series of haunted events some schools were already aware of: losing multiple games of football. The ghosts even made Paul Bunyan’s Axe disappear from Madison.
Athletes were not the only students affected. Coffee lovers, after carefully scheduling their 13 alarms to wake up to grab their favorite cup of joe, were dismayed as they arrived to their classes still 12 minutes late. Surely, it was the ghosts who made the coffee take too long to roast and made the journey from Lakeshore to Grainger all the longer.
Aside from ghosts, the newly implemented meal plan for all incoming students shifted many standards on campus. Students began to actually have to eat at the dining halls and stay there since most could not be bothered to remember their green take-out chip. The wonders of Buona Cocina were finally recognized as being only slightly worse than Olive Garden, and most students found their bellies kind of filled, but kind of not. An uptick in Ian’s Pizza sales was noted to coincide with the meal plan implementation.
The Herald was also hard at work this year investigating seedy issues and unique perspectives to bring to light on campus. In September, after a significant portion of our team was hit by a bike, we uncovered a loose journal on the side of the road. This journal contained precious musings on the life of a TA which could only be written by a TA themselves. Giving great insight to the deep seeded regrets and sighs only a TA could have, this discovery made strides in TA research which can only be matched by sociology students straining to find a thesis for their last-minute research paper.
We explored all corners of Madison with our scenic bus routes suggestions, finding tourist destinations like Wal-Mart and a real live airport around the city. While Madison is now looking to make buses “faster” and “more efficient,” we’ll always have a spot in our heart for the scenic rides which made us almost late to our jobs several times.
Professors also were able to make several headlines this semester. First, in a rare translational piece, we learned what exactly professors meant when they said they weren’t sadistic. Sadly, this piece proved to be incorrect as the semester went forward, as those same professors gave their students quizzes where every question had the same answer. Professor Ida Hilde also splashed into the scene this semester with a new mixtape after spitting out a semester’s worth of content in 10 minutes. The mixtape was met with mixed reviews, but it will always hold a special place in the hearts of her students.
Here in our newsroom, well, we’ve been through a lot. We got hit by bikes, we cried a little bit when we didn’t get a graphic of a mitten we really wanted and we got hit by more bikes. Now, it’s time for dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets and rest. Don’t fear, we’ll get back to you with more real news shortly.
