Well, Christmas is right around the corner, and that means the yearly crop of holiday movies can’t be far behind. Like last year’s premier of “Ali’ on Dec. 25, this year promises a slew of sports-themed films for December release. Some will doubtless be in Oscar contention, while others might end up straight-to-video, but one thing’s for sure: there’s nothing better than a good sports flick (see Field of Dreams, Raging Bull). Hell, there’s not even anything better than a bad one (see Rocky V). So here they are, the holiday sports films, good, bad and fugly.
Eight Crazy Nights: Nov. 27 — Action/Comedy (Adrian McPherson, Bobby Bowden, Deion Sanders) A week and a day can last a long time when you’re the Florida State football team on a bye week. Coach Bowden brings Prime Time in at the beginning of the break to offer a speech concerning proper off-field behavior, which Deion promptly gives; females, Escalades, flamboyant suits and females are his main points. To acquire all that Deion preaches of, a group of ‘Noles, lead by field general McPherson, conduct an elaborate scam they concocted after watching Disney’s “Blank Check.” (Excessive stupidity; Deion’s flashy suits could cause epilepsy.)
Adaptation: Dec. 6 — Action/Sci-Fi (Michael Vick, Warren Sapp, John Gruden, Simeon Rice) Gruden plays a mad scientist obsessed with creating an über-being capable of staying stride-for-stride with the uncatchable Vick, who plays himself. After months in the lab, Gruden produces a genetically enhanced defensive end that runs a 4.3 and is more than 5,000 years ahead in the evolutionary chain (played by Rice). Sapp plays the caveman-esque monster Rice’s original genes came from. (Profanity, violence, crazy close-ups of Gruden’s hellish mug)
The Hot Chick: Dec. 13 — Romantic Comedy (Anna Kournikova, Pavel Bure, Sergei Federov) Kournikova plays herself. Bure and Federov are Russian skating stars who battle each other for Anna’s love with hockey sticks and highly sharpened skates. As the biggest temptress in the world, Kournikova spends most of the film strutting around in tiny Adidas shorts, enticing her ultra-faithful fans by telling them she needs help “picking up balls” before whacking them in the privates with her racket. (Cartoon violence — as everyone knows, neither Pavel nor Sergei is actually tough; Children under 12 not allowed for fear of Kournikova spurring premature puberty.)
Smokers Only: Dec. 20 — Action/Comedy (Allen Iverson, Shawn Kemp, Glenn Robinson, Ray Allen, Rasheed Wallace, the rest of the NBA) AI has an answer of his own: an all-out, hip-hop-blaring, wall-breakin’ fiesta before he gets shipped off to the clink, and only blunt-tokin’, 40 oz-swilling thugs are invited. Big Dog spends his night bouncing at the door while sipping on Alize, but all hell breaks loose when choirboy Ray Ray shows up. Ray won’t hit the Wu-banger and won’t stop spittin’ junk at Dog, who calls in Sheed and the Reign Man for backup. Problem over. (Excessive drug use, sexually explicit scenes, and a grossly overweight Kemp)
25th Hour: Dec. 20 — Drama (Jeff Van Gundy) Chronicles the former Knicks coach’s five-year struggle to get the people who run the atomic clock to add an extra hour to each day to allow him 30 minutes of sleep a night. A true virtuoso performance from Van Gundy, as he refused to wear makeup, insisting on using the real bags under his eyes, and actually got negative-30 minutes of sleep each night as his campaign fell just short. (Prepare children for brutal self-torture rivaled only by seppuku.)
Narc: Dec. 20 — Drama/Action (Jason Sehorn, Kerry Collins, LT) Sehorn plays the ultimate oxymoron — a pretty-boy white NFL corner — who spends his free time exposing teammates’ substance-abuse problems while claiming that his own performance-enhancing drug use is completely legal. Collins plays a recovering cokehead/alcoholic who wants to punch Sehorn in the face but is afraid he’ll get his own jaw broken. LT stars as the local drug pusher who wants Sehorn shut up at all costs; he also manages to reprise his near-immortal line from the “Waterboy:” “Don’t smoke crack,” LT says. “Unless it’s with me.” (Drug use, violence, LT smiling)
The Lion King: Dec. 25 — Action/Adventure (Barry Sanders, Joey Harrington) Sanders plays himself in the electrifying back’s triumphant return to the Motor City. Harrington plays the one-mile tall incumbent leader, the Lion Queen, who is pushed out of the already dim spotlight to make room for the true ruler. Sanders’ speed outdoes the Queen’s billboard-like size. (Sanders’ quickness and moves may be frightening to young children unfamiliar with them.)
