Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald


Herald, DC to renew rivalry

Former BH sports editor Ben Voelkel is mobbed by beer-fueled heralders after he jacked a game-winning walk-off blast to bitch slap the Cardinal.[/media-credit]

SECOND FLOOR, Echo Tap — When good last met evil on the softball diamond, Ben “The Situation” Voelkel was the hero.

His two-run walk-off home run gave The Badger Herald its first softball victory over the Daily Cardinal since 2004.

One year later, the former BH sports editor has hung up his spikes and turned his ball and glove in for suit and tie, opting to beautify insurance companies rather than ponder the reasons behind the annual futility of the Wisconsin softball team.


Today, he’ll return to his roots. But you’ll have a better chance of finding him next to the keg of Genny Light than on the field.

“I’m too old for this shit,” Voelkel said. “But I’m willing to take a break from my great new job in PR to watch the Herald beat down the Dirty Bird; It doesn’t get much better than this.”

Voelkel’s absence will certainly be missed, and other departures include last year’s head coach Tom Schalmo, spitballer Ken “Papa Bear” Harris and outfield phenom Jonah Braun. But what the Gentle Clowns lack in experience, they’ll make up for in raw talent.

The Herald, helmed by Sports Editor Jordan Schelling, has a slew of newcomers for the second consecutive year, all of which are expected to make an impact against the Dirty Birds.

According to Schelling, freshman infielder Adelaide Blanchard, net graph editor, is the team’s best hitting prospect, batting .564 in the minors with 12 home runs in nine games before being called up to the Gentle Clowns.

Blanchard credits her success to one thing: Ignoring the advice of UW softball head coach Chandelle Schulte, who tried to get the speedy right-hander to turn around and bat lefty.

“I looked at her and I was like, ‘Do you know who I am?'” Blanchard said. “She didn’t, so I told her, ‘I’m Addie Fucking Blanchard.’ That shut her up pretty quick. And then I ripped the next pitch she threw right back up the middle into her neck. Right in the ‘ol throat-holder.”

With Blanchard leading the offense, the Gentle Clowns will turn to Managing Editor Dustin Sherer Michael Bleach on the mound, whose much-improved curveball has made opposing hitters look like UW softball players all spring.

If Bleach can’t go the distance, right-handed reliever Bobby Breitenbach, a Bozo Buckets founder, has a few tricks up his sleeve that should keep the Dirty Birds guessing.

“Yeah, I’ve heard of this ‘softball’ thing before,” Breitenbach said. “It’s pretty simple really. I’m just going to go out there, drink some Genny and strike bitches out. Those Cardinal fuckers won’t know what hit ’em.”

Sean Kittridge, editorial page editor, will take over at first base for the Gentle Clowns, replacing veteran Nick Penzenstadler, who continues to work his way back to the field following a brutal blindside cheap shot in this year’s matchup on the gridiron.

Kittridge, whose sports knowledge is surpassed only by his love of the Catholic Church, salary caps and Swisher Sweets, has regularly been seen at the SERF doing pilates to prepare for his debut. The Minnesota native also worked on his tan for the event, sitting motionless at Target Field for upwards of three hours to get the lines just right.

“Yeah, uh huh,” Kittridge answered when asked if he was excited about facing the Cardinal. “There’s a reason why chicks dig the ‘Sean ball’; the Kitty Korner will be out in full force today.”

On the injury front, page designer Becky Vevea is doubtful, as she continues to recover from an ill-advised 40-day stint of Veganism. Kyle Mianulli, deputy news editor, is questionable with gelotophobia.

Mianulli, who often struggles to make contact, cited his league-worst batting average for his worries about playing in Friday’s game at Vilas Park.

“I swing like a girl,” Mianulli said. “That’s the bottom line. I try my best, but every time I step up to the plate, I make a fool out of myself. I just can’t put myself through that kind of treatment again.”

If Mianulli is unable to play, Arts Editor Cailley Hammel has offered to take his place, saying simply, “Bring it on fuckers.”

Probable for the game are associate sports editor Max Henson, sports content editor Adam Holt, arts content editor Tony Lewis and design director Joey Schroeder.

Henson, Holt, Lewis and Schroeder each reported ill-effects due to Doubling Down, which included feeling sleepy, greasy and self-disdain after a trip Thursday evening to KFC.

Despite the setback, Schroeder — the Boss of the Century — is confident the Gentle Clowns will prevail over the Dirty Birds.

Likewise, Jason Smathers, editor in chief of The Badger Herald, predicted victory.

“There’s no doubt in my mind we’re going to win,” Smathers said. “But just in case, I’ve been playing some mind games over the past week. Wednesday night, I saw Nico Savidge, sports editor of the Dirty Bird, who said, ‘You’re going down on Friday, Smathers.’

“As I looked at him, I just chuckled, responding, ‘I don’t know who the fuck you are.'”

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