TONY:

That’s right Madison. It’s time for us to start tasting a lot more rainbow and queer up this town. The Advocate recently created a list of “America’s 15 gayest burgs” and ranked Madison at No. 5 using a rather subjective point system that includes criteria such as the number of gay elected officials, gay dating and hookup profiles, and gay bars per capita. Five? Come on Madison. We can certainly out-gay No. 1 Hotlanta.

So how are we going to do it? I propose we take on one of the more unusual of the criterion: gay films in Netflix favorites. Basically, one point is assigned for each gay movie in the top 25 of the rankings generated by Netflix for the most popular videos for each major city. That’s a possible 25 points. We currently have only four of our 44 total points in this category, while Atlanta has 14 of its 54. That means we only need to up our movie total to 15 to become the gayest town around.

Now, The Advocate doesn’t actually mention how they decided if a movie was gay. Personally, I see “The Notebook” on the list and I’m dishing out a point. But apparently they are looking for more quality fare like “Eating Out: All You Can Eat,” “Boy Culture” and “Naked Boys Singing!” Currently, Madison only has a season of “The L Word,” “Saving Face” and Neil Patrick Harris on its list. Let’s spice it up.

What really makes this plan great, though, is you can make Madison gayer from the comfort of your closet without anybody having to know you are watching “Make the Yuletide Gay.”

So come on Madison. Let’s all lend a helping hand. I know Cailley is. I used her Netflix account to do this research and was kind enough to put “Eating Out 2: Sloppy Seconds” at the top of her queue.

CAILLEY:

Alright, here’s the plan. We can’t settle for fifth place. Fifth place doesn’t even get you a medal. Fifth place is pretty much the point at which rank doesn’t matter and you get the “thanks for trying” participation ribbon. And if we’re talking about the gay community, I think they’d be a lot happier with a hunk of gold metal than a dinky ribbon. Wouldn’t we all?

So the mission is to gay-ify this town and thrust ourselves to No. 1. And if we want to Rainbow Brite this place and go all out gay, we need more cruising spots.

Yeah, I don’t really know what they are either. But as a criterion in The Advocate’s story about the gayest cities in America, it’s apparently pretty important. However, aside from noting that these cruising spots were found through online listings — and also that Madison ranks low in cruising spots in comparison to other gay cities — we have no indication of what they are or where they are.

Now if I don’t fully understand what a cruising spot is — aside from a vague idea of a place where casual sexual encounters happen on the sly — then I really wouldn’t know where one is. And that means we need more of them.

What definitely doesn’t help the cruising spot situation, of course, is Olin Park. You know, the magical place rampant with almost as many homophobic gays-in-denial as Congress is when the new pages are about to hit town.

Madison would definitely be a lot more gay — and in both meanings of the word — if we could leave Olin Park in the dust and just find some “virgin” territory.

I suggest James Madison Park. Not only is it a lot closer to Plan B and downtown, but also it’s a pretty scenic place to hook up. And you probably could reserve the Gates of Heaven synagogue just for the occasion.