Using clear criteria and not at all vague or ambiguous terminology, the Heisman Memorial Trophy is customarily awarded “to an individual who deserves designation as the most outstanding college football player in the United States.”

Geographical discrimination against Canadian football players aside, this official voting guideline from the Heisman Trophy website leads to one inevitable but entirely amusing conclusion.

There is not a single college football player in the United States who deserves to win this year.

And I mean nobody.

With “outstanding” traditionally going beyond which player can compile the most impressive statistics in a wide open offensive system — otherwise Graham Harrell and Colt Brennan would have held the hardware this decade — there are several factors that must be taken into account.

First of all, does the candidate have superior stats?

While numbers alone should not win you the award, they are a huge part of the process. Florida may have disposed of everyone in its path, but Tim Tebow’s 17 passing TDs against 25 sacks taken (10 more than last year) prevent Mother Teresa’s son from winning his second award.

Next, did the candidate’s team win?

While nowhere in the Heisman process does it say award winners must, well, win, that has come to be the norm, except in the most extreme of cases (See: Tebow in 2007 losing four games). For this year when no stat-boy jumps off the chart, I am placing the cutoff line at two losses. Sorry Ndamukong Suh, Nebraska’s last lost to Iowa State of all people prevents you from being the first defensive player to win since Michigan’s Charles Woodson.

Finally, not to get all BCS on you, but strength of schedule matters.

As much as I love you Boise State, when quarterback Kellen Moore is destroying quality conference opponents such as San Jose State and Utah State, he is taken out of the running for his outstanding performances.

So with these three criteria, who is left standing high in New York on Dec. 12?

Most people would probably argue Colt McCoy.

The Longhorn quarterback has put up decent numbers, totaling 27 touchdowns and 3,698 yards of total offense. Texas has also gone undefeated and is virtually a shoe-in for the BCS Title game. Unfortunately, McCoy still has to account for that pesky strength of schedule. Ranked No. 49 by schedule guru Jeff Sagarin, the Longhorns have only beaten one team (Oklahoma State) currently in the BCS Top 25.

Besides, how can you give the award to someone who is noticeably having a worse year than the previous season?

Finishing with 45 total touchdowns in 2008 and a jaw-dropping 76.7 percent completion percentage, McCoy has become his own worst enemy. Next on the list would have to be Stanford running back Toby Gerhart.

The Cardinal’s only true offensive threat, Gerhart has racked up 26 touchdowns and 1,736 yards on the ground. Even putting together a Heisman “moment,” Gerhart drove a dagger into Notre Dame — by the way, Charlie Weis equals ultimate schadenfreude — by throwing for an 18-yard touchdown in a 45-38 win over the Fighting Irish. Everything looks good for Gerhart to win… except Stanford has lost four games including a head scratcher to Wake Forest in the second game of the year and will finish third in a mediocre Pac-10.

It comes down to this question, are Gerhart’s stats impressive enough for him to win the award on a merely above average team?

Don’t get me wrong — Gerhart has put up strong numbers from the running back position and deserves to be applauded for it. But compared to the last four Heisman Trophy winners at running back — Reggie Bush, Ron Dayne, Ricky Williams and Eddie George — he seems a little insignificant doesn’t he?

Simply put, Heisman voters need to take a stand this year. Nowhere in the bylaws of the award does it say someone must win every year.

The awards standards have already sunk to Nobel Peace levels of credibility — Eric Crouch anyone? — let’s not diminish an already waning award.

McCoy and Gerhart have been very good this year.

They just haven’t been outstanding.

Michael is a senior majoring in journalism. Think someone actually deserves to win this year? Let him know at [email protected].