Another year has come and gone. It’s around this time I like to reflect on the stand out moments of all things sex-related that had us a-titter with our panties in a bunch.
A lot of stuff went down — straight people got Tinder, Miley Cyrus twerked on everything, Carlos Danger showed us the tip and same-sex marriage got an endorsement from the commander-in-chief, to name just a few. Here is your year in review from one sex-obsessed pop culture junkie and some of my predictions for 2014.
FAVORITE SEX EVENTS OF 2013:
Pussy eating
According to my precise calculations, there was exponentially more media mention of cunnilingus in 2013 than the year previous. Actor Michael Douglas came out as a lifetime muff-diver, claiming his oral cancer was caused by an accumulation of going down on women (unlikely, but possible). Shout out to both oral pleasure and HPV prevention awareness!
Among other amazing things the year gave us: Netflix’s original series “Orange is the New Black” featured a devilish shot of Natasha Lyonne peaking up from between the legs of a fellow inmate in the show’s second shower sex scene. Cannes Film Festival favorite “Blue is the Warmest Color” included an eyebrow-raising seven-minute lesbian lovers scene, filled to the brim with pussy eating, although I’m still not convinced of its authenticity. Evan Rachel Wood tore the MPAA a new asshole for editing out her oral sex scene in “Charlie Countryman.”
Even fucking Cosmo commissioned a halfway decent piece on cunnilingus for a change. And who can forget crack-smoking-Toronto-mayor’s assertion that he’s “got more than enough [PUSSAY] to eat at home.” That Canadian accent just makes it all the more endearing.
James Deen
I was a megafan of every project porn’s boy-next-door James Deen touched this year. Mr. Deen got into the sex toy business, won like a gazillian of awards for his hot work, became a director in his own right, stepped out with his gorgeous lady Stoya to complete porn’s perfect pairing and created quite a stir by speaking at a sociology class at Pasadena City College. He also got political with porn in his activism work against California’s Measure B condom law and became an unlikely advocate for safer sex.
He made annoying-as-shit “Back Door Teen Mom” Farrah Abraham squirt all over herself with that glorious cock of his and even had time to stop by the University of Wisconsin campus in April. The only thing that could have made James Deen’s year (and mine) any better would have been being cast as Christian Grey for the film adaption of “Fifty Shades of Grey.” ROBBED, I TELL YOU!
Don Jon
Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s directorial debut “Don Jon” introduced mainstream moviegoers to an incognito feminist agenda. Anyone who gives this movie a bad rap is clearly not smart enough or adept enough to have picked up on that. He’s not just trying to pout, stomp and whine to get you to stop objectifying women. He’s trying to tell you that taking porn literally is making you bad in bed, dipshits.
I love this movie because it presents many lessons: A) ScarJo is, indeed, a dime; B) pornos, like rom-coms, are just as fake and toxic for matters of the heart and genitals; and C) the pornification of everything is causing widespread cognitive disconnect with our authentic sexualities.
HERE’S TO HOPING, 2014:
Male birth control
As of yet, there still aren’t really any good options for male birth control out there. Vasectomies are costly and pretty much irreversible, pulling out is chance-y, condoms are not exactly preferable and the wet heat technique involves regularly tea bagging very hot water. The closest thing on the horizon is Vasalgel, a gel injection for the sperm tube to block those rascally little swimmers. It’s super-duper effective, cheap, quick, lasts for many years and is also reversible. We’ve known about the technology since the 70s, but clinical trials with human testing sure do take a long time.
Officials are hopeful about putting the injection on the market by 2015, and I could not be more excited. Because you best believe the week that thing comes out, my man’s getting a shot to the dick. For the good of humanity and my endocrine system.
Stop rape-supportive attitudes
America got plenty of learning opportunities to expand the conversation on consent, sexual assault, rape and alcohol-facilitated sexual assault in 2013. The horrific, high profile cases in Steubenville, Ohio and Maryville, Miss., captured national attention, the Violence Against Women Act was reauthorized with new obligations for college campuses and even our own Badger Herald participated in the dialogue with its unconscionable letter to the editor by “He Who Shall Not Be Named.”
Whadya say we make 2014 the year where Americans finally understand sexual consent and rape? I’m putting this one on the list not because it has anything to do with sex, but because it has precisely nothing to do with sex and therein lies the confusion. If I decide to hit you over the head with a frying pan, that ain’t called cooking. Let’s just all resolve to get on board at the same time. Ready? All together now!
Better dick pics, please
Snapchat elevated regular old sexting to an art form this year. And dick pick senders better step up their game. Seriously, if I have to look at one more picture of a dull, lifeless flesh log, I might just consider reverting back to a flip phone. Shlong wielders, check out the CritiqueMyDickPic Tumblr for pointers today.
