Hey there, hornballs! We have a lot of questions to pound through this week, so let’s get to it, shall we?

So…awkward thing about living in the dorms that I didn’t quite think through: How am I supposed to wash my sex toys when so many people are around?

Ah yes, dorm room living! Close quarters and public hygiene facilities with nary a private moment to go fuck yourself. And then let’s say you do get a few moments of bliss to yourself, what are you supposed to do with the post-masturbatory juices?

Now in a radical, sex-positive world, we could bring our toys right on into the bathroom with us and store them next to the toothbrush. Because really, pleasure is part of sexual wellness, and sexual wellness is a part of health. So I see little difference between brushing our teeth and sex toy maintenance. But I’ve been told I’m a little kooky, so to answer your question…

You could splurge on one of those specialty spray cleaners that sex shops sell. They’re totally unnecessary but it could save you a trip down the hall with a bag of dildos in tote. Option No. 2 is to discretely tuck your toy in a shower caddy between the shampoo and conditioner bottle and throw a washcloth on top. Wash with warm, soapy water as you’re scrubbing down your bod.

Another quick fix is to use a condom with your toys. Wrap it up before use and clean up becomes a breeze later since the toy will stay untouched by your fluids. Unlubricated condoms are great for this because they won’t even leave sticky lube on the toy. Just make sure to add your own to the outside to make things slippity dippity.

Can you settle this debate for me? Is it best so spit or swallow?

It’s best to save the semen in your mouth and then squirt-gun spit it back in your partner’s face. Just kidding, don’t do that! Unless you’re both into that sort of thing.

What’s best in terms of preventing passing sexually transmitted infections along? Neither. It’s not the swallowing of cum itself that poses a potential risk for fluid-transmitted STIs. Your stomach acid will nuke the shit out of that. It’s the exposure to the insides of the mouth and throat—like your gum cracks and soft palate—that presents a risk of transmission.

What’s best in terms of sensation and intimacy? That would depend on who you ask. Some people see coaxing down a hot load of spunk as a sign of acceptance, affection and trust. Others think it’s—how shall I say this—distasteful. Some people have heated philosophical debates surrounding the double standards of post-oral kisses. And some people with penises actually prefer to not shoot their load inside of a tight, enclosed space because of muscle spasms. It’s a very nuanced and complicated point of discussion, as you can tell, and it’s all about negotiating and communicating preferences to your sexual partner or partners.

But may I suggest forgetting about what to do with the mouth entirely if it’s causing so much turmoil? Why not let those fluids fly? When Mount Cock is about to erupt, let that sucker jizz all over some tits, pecs, belly, face, wherever. Set up a target and make a fun game out of it for all I care. Decide what feels right and make sure to talk about it beforehand so everyone is on board and enthused. And what better way to get the mood going than with some dirty talk, like, “Tell me where you want me to cum on you!”

Is it normal to fantasize about fucking my professor?

Totally normal. I spent a better part of my sophomore morning lectures fantasizing about a certain youngish, hockey player-stud of a lecturer ramming my—you get it. I passed the class, despite keeping my eyes on the professor’s bulge instead of the board.

What’s not OK is actually acting on those fantasies. Dating and/or sleeping with professors involves too much of a power differential and conflict of interests. And while unfulfilled fantasizes might feel frustrating, I encourage you to do some cognitive reframing and think of them as part of the fun. The mind is our most powerful sexual organ that we have at our disposal. Dreaming about fucking and actually fucking can be equally stimulating if you’ve got a wild enough imagination.