Can you help a gal out? I don’t think I have ever had an orgasm with a guy. Not with a random hookup, not with a friend with benefits, almost once with a boyfriend, kind of, maybe …  I cum when I masturbate if I focus, but I want that toe-curling, sheet–snatching bed rock rumble in bed with a guy. I was reading online about female orgasmic disorder and I’m wondering, is it possible I have that?

Alright, this one’s going to be for all the people with penises who like to get nasty with people with pussies. Yes, straight dudes, I’m talking to you. There’s no good reason I can think of that this nice young lady has had numerous encounters with the shlong-wielding kind and is still hard-pressed to find an orgasm. And, trust me, her case is not uncommon among quandaries I receive. We’ve got ourselves an epidemic of inequality in the climax department, and women are on the losing end of the deal: women only have one orgasm for every three men have, according to “The Social Organization of Sexuality.” This phenomenon is what I like to call “modern-day hysteria.”

I’m not exactly talking about the fictional disorder that over-emotional women got labeled with in the 1600s. I’m referencing the social conceptions and sexual ideologies that came out of the hysteria movement.

It’s a commonly known tale, and you can read all about it in Rachel Maines’ book, “The Technology of Orgasm: ‘Hysteria,’ the Vibrators and Women’s Sexual Satisfaction.” Back then, women with irritable temperaments and depressed moods were prescribed the best modern medicine had to offer, genital massage. Maines quotes a 1653 publication: “… massage the genitalia with one finger inside, using oil of lilies, musk root, crocus or [something] similar. And in this way the afflicted woman can be aroused to the paroxysm.” Paroxysm was the name given to the mysterious, violent shakes and tremors patients experienced when the treatment was successful, otherwise known as — uh, HELLO — the female orgasm. Doctors got so exhausted from diddling vaginas all day that they invented the electric vibrator to take over the handiwork. Thanks, doc!

Hindsight is 20/20, so let’s take a historical look back and observe the ridiculousness of this. Women were cranky, rightly so, because they weren’t getting any, and instead of addressing their husband’s lack of skills in the bedroom, the medical community slapped a pathologized label on the women. Sound a little like what’s going on here? Men aren’t making women cum, so we have handy-dandy diagnoses, like female orgasmic disorder and female sexual arousal disorder, to explain why women aren’t getting off.

Now, I’m not saying that sexual dysfunctions are not real. For some people they are very real. Genital trauma, medications and psychological stress can all interfere with arousal potential. But there’s something more going on when healthy, ripe, sexually young women can orgasm when they masturbate or fuck with other women but less so when there’s a dick involved. Lie to yourself all you want, but female orgasms are no trickier than male ones. When stimulated correctly, we can cum as fast as men (four minutes) and more often than men. Ever heard of multiple orgasms? They’re a real thing.

So, straight dudes, here are some things you can do:

1. Treat pussies nicely.

As I write this, I’m listening to Lil Wayne’s “Every Girl.” In reference to the genitalia of his desire, the lyrics read, “Gon’ throw it back and bust it open like you ‘sposed to.” Please, no. Too many times I’ve witnessed dudes pound away like jackhammers as hard and as fast and they can thinking that’s going to get us off. This is not the way.

2. EAT PUSSY.

And don’t eat pussy like the way you see it in porn with the guy sticking his tongue out to the side and flicking it around. They only do that so it looks good for the camera. Real pussy eating involves getting your face all up in that shit. Get to know the clitoris. Sigmund Freud had it wrong – the vast majority of female-bodied people need clitoral stimulation to get off, not vaginal. Let her cum first and reap the benefits – post-orgasm pussies are juicy, swollen and plump for you to squeeze your cock snugly inside.

3. Treat ladies with respect.

Here’s what’s on the list of psychological causes of female orgasmic disorder: past sexual abuse or traumatic sexual experiences, emotional abuse, fear of rejection, self-image problems, relationship problems with partners and guilt about sexual pleasure.

So, men, here’s my ultimate sex tip for you: Create a world without sexual violence, without slut-shaming, without misogyny and body hatred for women to inhabit. Watch us lose our sexual inhibitions, let loose and go wild while we bounce away on top of your dicks.

4. Get creative.

Think outside of the peen-in-vajay box. Try this exercise: for one month, pretend she’s not on birth control and you have to avoid sperm meeting egg at all costs. Expand your sexual repertoire to more than intercourse. Sixty-nine for hours. Bend her over and fuck her with a vibrating dildo. Suck on her ankles while you squeeze her nipples. Have her tie up your wrists and finger herself, hovering over your face while you’re unable to reach out. Gorge yourself on her opening like it’s a juicy mango that needs licking up.

That’s all for me, folks. Stay sexy and safe!