Whenever I tell strangers I am a sex educator, 99 percent of them give me a look of shock. Some people restate the question, as if they didn’t hear me correctly the first time. Many people smile politely and quickly change the subject. Yet the great majority proceed to ask me how I got into my work. That’s my favorite question, as it invariably leads the person to later share with me their own experiences regarding sex education – or lack thereof.
I was pretty open about sexuality and relationships since my early teens. But there is one incident in my life that I can definitively say was the main impetus for the work that I do now. That event occurred in high school, during my freshman health class. The course consisted of a two-week session on sexual health. Our gym teacher was the main educator, and from what I remember, he did a decent job.
We also had two speakers from a private organization that came for two days. I vividly remember the second speaker. Petite, with long blond hair pulled up in a bun, she entered the room with determination. Her mission: to convince my class to abstain from sex until marriage. Her hands-on activity was disgusting, a combination of chewed-up orange potato chips, water and a large pitcher. I’ll save your stomach the details. Yet the most disturbing act was her closing message to my class. Her eyes drilled into each of us as she said the following, “My husband can look straight into the eyes of his sons and tell them that he truly loves them because he waited for me.”
Such falsehoods are still being spewed in classrooms, churches and organizations around the world. Every time I tell that story, the person that asked me the question almost always shares with me a similar story, but instead of potato chips, the educator used spit to demonstrate his/her lies, or, as in another case, a paper cup was used to represent the soul. And as the girl holds hands, kisses, has sex, etc., pieces of her soul are torn off. Those stories are the reason that I chose the work that I do, so that deceitful and misinformed individuals will never be able to stand in front of a group of kids and lie to them again.
By the time teens finish high school in this country, more than half have experienced some sort of sexual activity. Yet because of the lack of information and the plethora of misinformation, I meet people every day who don’t know how to use condoms correctly, who have never had an orgasm and who are scared to talk to their partner about STIs, changing sex positions or trying a sex toy. You might wonder why the latter is important, why I don’t just teach about STIs or birth control.
The answer is that all of sexuality is important, both the preventative choices and the pleasurable ones. Despite the plethora of dishonest educators and badly made porn on the market, one thing is beyond a doubt. Sex is an amazing activity. It can be a phenomenal experience whether doing it alone, during a one night stand or with your life partner. It can increase intimacy, dissolve headaches and pain, lead to mind blowing pleasure and strengthen the foundation of a relationship. Sexual activity can also become ugly if used in a coercive, damaging way. That is why it is so important to have the information and communication in order to successfully navigate every sexual experience.
To finish up my three years work as a sex columnist for The Badger Herald, I want to leave you, my dear readers, with some sex information that I think all people should know:
*Know your STI status. That means get tested! Over 60 percent of American people have herpes on the mouth (yes that cold sore that you occasionally get when your immune system is weak is herpes and can be transmitted to the genitals during unprotected oral sex). And stop being freaked out about it. EVERYONE in the world has had some type of infection (like the flu) at some point or another. We deal with it. There are cures for most STIs and very effective treatments for the others.
*Use protection. Condoms and sex dams come in all different colors, sizes, shapes and textures. Some vibrate, some have warming lubes, others glow-in-the-dark. Condoms are meant to protect you and your partner from STIs and unintended pregnancy, but they are also meant to increase your pleasure by removing your worries and adding an extra element into your sex play. Double up with a hormonal contraceptive, but don’t use two condoms at the same time.
*Orgasms happen when many of your muscles involuntarily tighten up and you feel you reach a peak. Your body may spasm or shake. Most men ejaculate – yet not all. After orgasm, you generally feel relaxed, potentially out of breath. Stroking different body parts can intensify or change the sensations. Focusing on orgasms as a goal is counterproductive, as it leads to greater stress and less pleasure. Explore. Breathe. Relax. Enjoy. Orgasms can then come.
*You are completely normal! Whether you fantasize about being spanked, want to suck your partner’s toes, get turned on when you watch two men lick each other’s butts or don’t have any sexual desire for any of that, ALL of it is completely normal! Sexuality encompasses so many areas and so many activities. Simply because you like one thing doesn’t mean you will like another. Simply because you like being fucked by your girlfriend in the ass doesn’t mean you will start liking men. Having sex is completely normal. Not having sex is also completely normal.
*No matter how many people you kiss, suck or penetrate before or after marriage, you will love your children (and/or your pets) just as much – if not more – as those people who only had sex with one person.
May you all experience great pleasure openly and honestly with whomever and however you choose.
This article was written by Nicolette Pawlowski. Nicolette is a trained sexual health educator and a graduate student studying sex education policy. Have a question about sex or relationships? Email: [email protected]
