Dear Hump Day,

I’ve started seeing a girl and after a couple of dates, she told me she was a virgin. I think that’s hot, but I kind of don’t believe her. She’s almost 22. So I guess my question to you is: How do you know if a girl is a virgin?

Sincerely,

Just Checking

Dear JC,

That is a tricky question. It depends on how you define virginity and sexual activity.

Can someone who has masturbated still be a virgin? If not, then no one in the world would be, as even fetuses masturbate.

Can you still be a virgin if you had oral sex? What about anal? Does toe sex count?

What about someone who has been raped?

In my definition, a virgin is someone who has not experienced any consensual sexual activity with another person, whether giving or receiving. Other people may have different views. Some people say they are virgins even after they have had anal and oral sex. Other people believe that you can be a born-again virgin, even after years of every kind of sexual activity.

Regardless of the definition of virginity, you will never know if someone is a virgin unless you ask. There is really no other way to find out.

Now readers must be looking at that sentence with disbelief, asking themselves, well what about the hymen? Indeed, there is a membrane that partially surrounds the vaginal opening of most women. However, the hymen varies in size and coverage, and typically has openings within it to allow for menstrual blood, tampons, fingers and even a penis to pass through. The hymen stretches open as a girl reaches puberty. Even after intercourse, the hymen can still remain intact. Exercise, horseback riding, and jumping jacks can stretch and break the hymen, so the lack of one does not equal the likelihood of penetration.

That’s only referring to vaginal sex for a woman. The anus, the penis, the mouth and even the toes have no such membranes, so if you want to know if those places have ever experienced pleasure from sex, you again need to ask your partner.

The bigger question is why do you want to know? Our society places great value on sexual virgins. Yet we do not view lack of experience as a desirable quality in any other situation. Would you choose to design a bridge with a person who doesn’t know how to work AutoCAD? Would you prefer to go kayaking with someone who has never lifted an oar before? In all other areas of life, we want to participate in activities with people who at least have some knowledge and experience of that activity. We should do the same for sex. I don’t suggest that we demean virgins. We were all virgins once (or still are). But seriously, what is the attraction with virgins? Even a person who is highly read in the intricacies of sex will fumble and miss some spots the first and heck even the 100th time around! In my opinion, you will always have more fun exploring and discovering a new partner if that partner already has some hands-on experience of what can turn a person on.

There are many 22-year-olds who have never experienced sexual pleasure. Will that change the way you date this woman? Have sex with her? If you are both virgins, that’s not as big of an issue, as you can both learn and explore at the same time. But if you are experienced sexually and you meet someone who isn’t, your first thought shouldn’t be, “That’s hot.” It should be, “Do I want to have sex with this person? Will it be as enjoyable? Do I have the time to fully introduce this partner to all the different areas of sexuality?” To disregard a person’s inexperience is to do them and you a huge disservice. I would hope that you would be more accommodating and patient if you ever decide to go to bed with her. Teaching someone from scratch can be fun, but it can also be tiring. There are a lot of areas to discover and play with. First-time sex can be hilarious, awkward and amazing, as long as you are willing to have lots of lube and time for laughter and exploration.

Beyond being a virgin, I think, JC, you should think about having sex with this woman for another reason altogether. Do you want to have sex with someone you do not trust? There are many things that you can do without when participating in great sex, but trust is one of those areas that wouldn’t be wise to compromise on.

If you don’t believe she is a virgin, will you believe her when she says she is on birth control? (Note: you should also be using condoms if you don’t want to have babies and STIs at this point in your life.) Virginity may come and go, but trusting your partner is essential when communicating and deciding when, if and how you are going play together.

This article was written by Nicolette Pawlowski. Nicolette is a trained sexual health educator and a graduate student in Educational Policy Studies. All questions are from real readers. Have a question about sex or relationships? Email: [email protected].