Dear Humpday,

I have a new girlfriend and we are starting to fool around. She’s kind of shy in bed. And I really like to be tied up and ridden (found that out with my last girlfriend). How do I bring that up without freaking her out?

Help Adventurous Guy Reach Inciting Delight

Dear Hagrid,

Congrats on figuring out what you really like in bed! For many people, it takes a lot of time to discover out what rocks their pants off.

Your dilemma is two-fold. You want someone who is slightly timid in bed to try something new and a bit out of their normal role. You also want to make your partner feel confident in trying out your preferred sexual position without becoming upset that you discovered it with someone else. The sad truth is that while people value and covet more experience in the workplace and in life in general, too many of them become obstinate and disturbed when they determine you have particular experiences you prefer because of explorations with another person. It’s like saying you can’t sincerely smile at everyone that you meet, because sharing that smile with so many people will make it fake and not meaningful. What utter bullcrap.

You have several options. You can couch your interest within a fantasy sharing game. Ask your partner to write down or name the sexual roles and scenes that she has fancied over the years. Do this before or outside of frisky time. You do the same, making sure that you include your preferred sex scene. Then you can work through the list over time, each fulfilling a fantasy every couple of bedroom sessions. This option will give you more ideas about what she may enjoy. Sexual play is always a two-way street. Once she performs your preferred sexual experience, give her a lot of feedback during and after, telling her why you really enjoyed it. Positive feedback leads to repeated efforts.

Another option is to slowly work up to your preferred sex position. During sex, suggest to your partner that they sit on top of you (cowgirl/cowboy style). You can then simulate having your hands tied by taking her hands with yours and drawing them up above your head. Again, plenty of feedback is crucial, whether in moans, more intense kissing and bodily movements, and/or verbal feedback. Once that step is covered, you can bring out the hemp rope.

Perhaps your girlfriend wears silk scarves? You can comment about how incredibly hot it would be to be tied up with one of her scarves. Switch the roles yourself. Suggest to tie her up – the fewer ties the better for a first time. Afterwards, you can tell her that you would like to experience the same thing.

Now the key with trying anything new, especially anything you think might freak someone out, is to do it with confidence. Whether you take a more circuitous route or state quite plainly that you would like to be tied up and, well, fucked, you need to take all approaches boldly and positively. If you do not seem excited and turned on by the idea of your awesome girlfriend riding you, then neither will she. Feign confidence if need be. Look her straight in the eyes and tell her that you really want to experience this with her. Explain to her why it feels so good to you. Tell her how hot she will look riding you. Whisper in her ear that she can do anything she wants with you once you are all tied up.

Now with any tying of body parts, you need to make sure that your communication is clear. As a novice, your girlfriend may get inspired and gag you while playing with you. Then you have no way to tell her that your circulation in your hands is being cut off. You need to make sure you have signals, both verbal and physical, that will communicate when the sex play needs to stop because something doesn’t feel right. Whether it is a safe word, three claps with the hands or a squeeze of a squeaky ball, you both need to be aware of what can be used should anything go not quite according to plan.

Let’s suppose your girlfriend does not want to tie you up. Or perhaps she tries it once and does not like it. There are many variations of your favorite sex position. While your hands may be tied, she can use a vibrator in tandem to riding you. Or perhaps she will be willing to be on top, but wants your hands free to play with her at the same time. Then maybe you can get a spreader bar for your legs. Or have only one hand tied. Communication, flexibility, and imagination are key to making sure you are both satisfied.

If it’s completely a no-go? Explore some more! In gently pushing her out of her regular patterns in bed, you may both discover something completely new and exciting. Perhaps another position that you really like may be just the thing that blows both of your minds!

This article was written by Nicolette Pawlowski. Nicolette is a trained sexual health educator and a graduate student in EPS. All questions are from real readers. Keep ’em coming! E-mail: [email protected].