Hey Hump Day columnists,
I am a nice girl. I am nice to girls and guys alike, but I frequently run into the problem where guys interpret my politeness and interest in the conversation as something more than I mean it to be. How can I make it clear that simply because I am smiling (or even laughing at their jokes), it does not necessarily mean I’m into them? Also, to help the guys out, what are some ways for them to tell if a girl is really just being nice?
Just Want Everybody Happy
Hey guys out there! She’s just not that into you! That’s right, a girl who is enjoying your company might not actually want you to be her Prince Charming. But honestly, I can’t blame you for thinking otherwise, because I’m afraid that we all have a complex.
The rom-com complex, seen in your typical Julia Roberts chick flick, follows the established comedy arc. It starts off with the main character doing relatively OK for him/herself, but something is missing! The lovers meet, usually under some humorous and unlikely pretext (Her father’s his boss! She’s the ugly duckling!) and together they become mired in some humorous and unlikely complications (It’s a love triangle! Her influential conservative family would never agree to it!) In the end, inevitably, love conquers all (and this is meant very literally: distance, money and rationality are no match) and the two live happily ever after. Thus, when the wind blows someone’s pheromones in a potential suitor’s direction in real life, the rom-com complex tells us it must be fate.
What we can learn from this? First off, let’s all take a deep breath. We all find ourselves on occasion hoping that a perceived perfect evening will turn into the perfect relationship. It’s natural. But in reality, a kind smile or a cute giggle does not equate to TRU LURV. In fact, our obsession with finding a mate has perhaps blinded us to the fact that, that person is swell all by herself. You don’t need to enter into an exclusive romantic tryst with someone to understand how great he is. A friendship, an acquaintance, a drinking buddy: These are all actual relationships, and they can be meaningful in and of themselves.
If the romantic interest isn’t mutual, as the uninterested party, you can make your point clear by keeping it friendly. Don’t suggest that you meet up at your place for some private study time; offer to meet up at the SAC. You might want to shy away from too much alone time until the friendship is obvious and the pressure is off.
However, if you find someone pleasant to be around, or if you find him funny, it should be acceptable to smile and giggle at him without being a considered a flirt who loves to lead people on. If he likes you, it’s his job to actively find out if you’re attracted to him, and vice versa.
And really, if it’s not working out, just enjoy the phenomena of being appreciated. TRU LURV is not always the end goal in every relationship, and just because someone is single does not mean she is begging to find her other half. People are whole all by themselves. Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy put it best in their outstanding book, “The Ethical Slut:” “When you have built a satisfying relationship with yourself, then you have something of great worth to share with others.”
Instead of asking how to interpret the “signs,” implying that there is some tried and true formula to foretelling if someone likes you, why not try to get to know someone, honest and simple? Hanging out with him a few times, feeling out the vibes ? these are the ways to see if sparks are flying. Hell if I know what delicate signals to portray when performing a mating ritual; the art of subtlety is absolutely lost on me. My tactic that actually works? Tell that special someone you are attracted to him. Really, that’s it.
Alright ladies and gentlemen, so you’re really into that gorgeous individual and you don’t know how to start the ball rolling. Remember that everyone loves to feel like they are special, set apart from the crowd. Ask her about herself. Make sure your body language is attentive to the party of interest; remember to be engaged with whom you are speaking. Compliment her, and if you don’t want an immediate sexual connection, don’t make the conversation sexual. Instead of “wow, you have a nice ass,” try “that dress looks incredible on you.”
As the conversation is winding down, plug your intention. Want to see that foxy lady again? Tell her that. Ask her what she’s doing on Friday night. It’s OK to be clear about your intentions, and if you are, you’ll know for sure if she’s on board. The thought of “not wanting to seem too interested” is dumb. You ARE interested, and you want a specific outcome of the situation. There’s nothing wrong in doing what you can to make that happen.
So what if you just want to get laid? Why not be open about that too? You’re at a party, you’re feeling good and that guy is looking pretty interested. “Want to come back to my place?” is simple, user-friendly and puts your intentions on center stage. Your desire for sex has been implied, and again you can feel like you have done all that is possible to make the situation happen, cap’n.
There you have it folks, love (and sex) made easy. No complex required.
Nikki Signer is a political science and religious studies major and a facilitator for Spill. She recommends “The Ethical Slut” to everyone who loves to feel good about his or her sexy self. Send your situation to [email protected].
