Dear Hump Day,

I would appreciate (as would most male readers out there in Badgerville) an article on the art of cunnilingus, but more importantly, how to avoid the act altogether, or what to do if your special lady friend has a problem with “grooming.” Not saying mine does, but it would make for an interesting article either way.

All the best,

M

So the other “Humpers,” as we’re affectionately called, were hesitant about me responding to this question because there was the fear that my passionate (and proud!) feminism would create a further division between our column and the reticent males on campus. They were justified in their worries; I was initially going to give this guy a mouthful (pun intended) and preach to him what’s what. However, why take my word for it when I know plenty of guys who are all about the pussy and would gladly dispel this “bros don’t go there” myth.

Meet Darrin and Mike. They’re intelligent, witty, sexy and adorable, and they both love making their ladies happy. I discussed eating out with them at length, and I was genuinely surprised at how readily they were willing to defend the act. They, in turn, were surprised at my questions about why men wouldn’t want to go there, and sometimes had to pry their brains for reasons not to.

May I emphasize that, while these guys are completely awesome, they are not in the minority, and many, many women on campus would tell you the same. It’s also not culturally taboo. College comedian Raaaaaaaandy, played by Aziz Ansari from “Funny People,” considers asphyxiation from underwater cunnilingus “would be the most baller death EVER!” Here are some straight answers from college guys like you:

Nikki: What is the case for going down on women?

Mike: I enjoy it, personally; it’s all about pleasure for both partners, and it has never crossed my mind not to reciprocate. It turns me on to know that she’s getting pleasure from something I’m doing.

Darrin: Personally, I think it’s freaking awesome. I aim to please, and I’m always going for multiples; I like a challenge. I love to improve. You know that phrase, “don’t rest on your laurels”? Yeah, follow that. Don’t get lazy; that’s craziness.

Nikki: What might be the case for not doing it?

Mike: Some guys might be new to it, or they may have done it before and not liked it. I don’t think it’s likely for a guy to reciprocate if girls go first. Guys want to chill; we’re not horny anymore after we get off. I don’t know, really; some of my friends are weirded out by it, and even they are not sure why.

Nikki: Could it be a masculinity thing?

Mike: Guys tend to talk about what is done to them versus what they do to others. For guys, it’s cooler to say about how great of a BJ they got versus how they went down on a chick.

Darrin: Some guys say, “Ew, that’s disgusting.” That’s kiddie shit. We’re not in high school anymore. They never give a good reason aside from, “You don’t eat pussy; you fuck it.” You know, girls are really surprised by me for this, because I’m kind of a, I don’t know, a unicorn.

Nikki: Excuse me?

Darrin: (laughs) For me, being black, there’s the stereotype that we just don’t do that. Girls can’t believe it when I’m down for that; they think all they’re getting is great sex.

Mike: Some guys are intimidated. I don’t know, I’m not sure what’s going on or whatever, but it makes a girl feel self-conscious. Right then, it’s not about you, it’s about them.

Nikki: Let’s go to the grooming question: what do you guys prefer to see when you head downtown?

Mike: I would do it either way, but being cleaned up is great; waxed, shaved or trimmed, it just makes it easier. You really don’t want a ficus (tree) in your face.

Darrin: For me, it depends on the day. As long as it’s not a jungle, it doesn’t matter. I like it when they’re creative; for me, bald is overrated after a while. I guess that whole thing comes down to not wanting hair in your food, but then again you don’t fuck your food either, unless you’ve got like a Jason Biggs, “American Pie” deal going on.

(As a side note, I’d like to mention for all you pussy connoisseurs out there that we women are very conscious of our situations down south, and we tend to compensate for the hesitations expressed by a lot of men out there. Just FYI.)

Nikki: OK, now that you’ve (hopefully) convinced the male population that cunnilingus is the bomb, what techniques can you share with the campus in general?

Darrin: (laughs) I’m not sure if I’m giving those up. Gotta be able to find “the happy spot,” if you know what I mean. Go at it with the enthusiasm that you wish the other to bestow, and remember the golden rule. Don’t half-ass it; explore until she starts reacting, and ask!

Nikki: So you’re saying ladies should tell you what they want you to do?

Darrin: Fuckin’ right they should. Hell yes! What do you like, Nikki?

Nikki: Well, another guy once told me that he spells out the letters of the alphabet with his tongue, that it creates a different sensation every time. After some scientific research, I found that to be quite effective.

Mike: Oh I have no idea what I’m doing. Use your imagination; use your tongue. You know where the clit is. Fingers are good too for double stimulation, and yeah, don’t be afraid to ask.

Nikki: What do you say to the guys who complain about the length of the act, that it takes girls too long to come?

Mike: Well don’t half-ass it. Picture it if girl did the same; I can only imagine that sucking just as much. If it’s not working, try something else. Advice from magazine articles are only so helpful; you have to be patient, try new things, not give up, and if you’re good it shouldn’t take too long.

Darrin: Get your game up; get some skills! Obviously you’re not doing something right, not working hard enough or doing something wrong. It would be no different than like, licking an elbow if you’re clueless. Practice makes perfect, so practice, practice, practice!

Nikki Signer is a political science and religious studies major and a facilitator for Spill. Mike and Darrin get a lot of action, high-five brah! E-mail your way to better sex at [email protected].