Imagine settling down cozily to watch a fun, lighthearted, somewhat existential-crisis-provoking film. You’re being drawn into a cute, entertaining and otherwise well-written movie.
Then suddenly you’re being bombarded by a belted-out melody with the same refrain repeated seven times.
Personally, every time I’m enjoying what I think is a heartwarming high-quality kids movie and hear the first notes of what we all know is going to be a lyrically drawn-out singular plot point, my eyes hurt from rolling so far back into my skull.
Musicals tell a story. Movies tell a story. Musical movies tell a story with completely unnecessary interruptions which render the experience unbearable. I don’t want a fucking ensemble to tell me what three lines of actual dialogue can.
Ever heard of character development? Of course not, because why do that, when you can create extra profit by incorporating an entire album into a film at the expense of others’ suffering?
Imagine how many more jokes (or literally any other element of a movie) could be fit into the one-third of the movie spent subjecting the audience to songs that usually do nothing to substantially move the story along.
Or, better yet, they could just shorten the movie. Wild to think you would actually want it to fit the attention span of your target audience. I assure you, snotty crying kids aren’t going to care if a blond bombshell doesn’t get another vocal moment in the sun that you have to decipher to understand.
Again, you could just SAY it.
That said, I would have loved “Frozen” so much more if 12-year-old me wasn’t so traumatized by the craze of “Let It Go” which followed. Not only did the songs become like nails on a chalkboard for me, but their presence totally distracted people from the true message of the movie — fuck the patriarchy.
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These are the two important reasons for why we should cancel musical movies — their random songs offer nothing for the cinematic experience and are lulling us into complacency by pulling us away from focusing on real, pressing social problems.
Here would be an important time to tell you that there does need to be one musical movie that is not destroyed in this otherwise completely necessary purge. My very valid opinion on this issue doesn’t include the 2021 masterpiece “Encanto.”
I do promise that when I sat down to watch “Encanto” I knew I would have to endure at least five interjected songs that did little to enhance the movie. But I was shocked when my eyes didn’t even roll once!
Like damn, “Surface Pressure” and “We Don’t Talk About Bruno” are absolute bops. And “Dos Oruguitas” playing toward the end could make two grown men with enough toxic masculinity to start a war cry. Good job for once, Disney!
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But enough of my groveling. My original proposal still stands. We as an extremely divided nation need to come together to shun any movie that has forced people to endure 100 minutes of singing that decidedly does not fit into the movie.
I urge you to join me on this very serious issue plaguing our country. Hollywood needs to be held accountable for its offensiveness and insensitivity regarding our time and music taste. We need to take a stand and resist remaining silent against this obnoxiousness.
And, we’re not going to talk about how the “Encanto” soundtrack may or may not show up on my 2022 Spotify Wrapped.
