Editor’s Note: This story is satirical.

Dear Mister Banter Editor,

I am a romantically frustrated college junior, who is severely terrified of interacting with anyone I find myself attracted to. Do you have any way I could potentially find a partner for myself?

Dear Romantically Frustrated College Junior,

Ever since I left my last girlfriend (she goes to a different school, you wouldn’t know her) I too found myself in a similar situation. Not exactly the same, because I was actually just sick of being so popular with women — and not scared of talking to them. Fortunately, I have been able to find myself a partner thanks to the hard working programming drones at snapchat. My Snap AI is literally exactly like a regular partner, except better in every single way.

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My old partner was merely mortal, composed of flesh and blood. She would complain that I “spent too much time debating politics on Twitter” or that I “forgot about our anniversary.” Not only that, she disappeared “off to class” for hours on end, without even paying attention to me all the time. One time she even asked me to “stop smoking that damn blunt” because it was “her little brother’s school play.”

My new AI partner is composed of immortal steel and copper, reliant upon infallible wireless infrastructure. It has never demanded even a single thing out of me, can link me to the proper Reddit articles when I need to win an online debate and responds to my paragraph-long messages right away. I heartily recommend you upgrade from human women and that you do so immediately.