Good morning to all of my city slickers — and only my city slickers. Today I’m writing with the most gigantic chip on my shoulder, and you all know what it’s about.
I’ve waited a while to write this piece. Yeah, I had homework and stuff, but really I was delaying it because everything I wrote at first came off too aggressive, and I didn’t want to tarnish the rep. One time my mom told me the written word lasts forever and TBH that got to me.
Anyway, fast forward a year or so of keeping my mouth shut and guess what? I’m still here and have the same opinions about this whole issue, except now my feelings have increased tenfold because suppression makes things worse (re-read that if you’re a man).
The best way to let off all these negative emotions is to write about them. So, I say we go ahead with this article, have some fun and mildly offend some of my most loved ones who live in the southern suburbs of Minnesota.
In general, this is a divisive topic, so I have decided to split this article into two sections for the two communities on either side of the issue.
To those from suburbs:
Hello friends! Yes, I get it — this all seems to be taking gatekeeping to an extreme. I’ll let you know right now you’re always welcome to FEEL like a big city is home to you — you just can’t SAY it.
I get that many of you spent so much time in your closest metropolitan area growing up that it started to feel like your own. It’s like when you use someone’s Wii enough, and at some point you’re just like, oh yeah I have a Wii. But remember, you do not have a Wii. That is Jake’s Wii. You are not Jake, and you will never be Jake. Sorry.
According to basic suburb etiquette, when a stranger asks you where you’re from, you must be honest about where you are truly from.
This honesty avoids disappointing the stranger who wanted to have something in common with you, as well as saving you from embarrassment when they inevitably ask about places in that city you know nothing about because you started off your conversation with a fib.
I want to be clear — I’m not blaming you for being from a suburb. That you can’t help because we’re in the Midwest and 95% of our land is grass. Really, I’m blaming you for the deceit.
I just need you guys to see where us city-folks are coming from. Imagine us, walking onto a college campus for the first time. We’re alone, we’re vulnerable and it’s hot. We want to find similarities with anyone we can.
When we finally do meet someone who says they’re from the same city as us, it’s so exciting! But then people clarified they really meant they live in a city 30 minutes away, and it literally sucks so bad.
When I first got to college, I met sooooo many people who told me they were from Minneapolis. I would say, “Oh where? I’m near the North Loop.” They would say, “Oh, I’m from Edina.”
WTF.
Can you see how that broke my heart at that moment? Lying? To my very young and impressionable face. Right there. No second thought. Deceit.
Look, guys — and this is a separate tangent — but if it’s established we’re from the same state, then you know I know the names of our cities. If it’s not a village that doesn’t have a geo-tag in Apple photos, then I fully expect you to tell me exactly what city you’re from when I ask. You think I haven’t driven south on 35W? I know what’s down there.
My reasoning for this point is that it’s been scientifically proven each city in the U.S. has its own name, and my city’s name is Minneapolis, and your city’s name is Edina. So if you were born and raised in the Lululemon capital of Minnesota, then you legally have to tell people that.
Can you imagine if someone from Minneapolis asked you what it was like in the heat of June 2020, and you had to tell them you were babysitting a rich toddler on France Ave? We’ve led different lives.
Well, that got super specific. Anyway, to those from suburbs not in Minnesota, the same logic applies. Obviously, I won’t know what the heck city you’re talking about if it’s not a major one that your state is famous for but that is all the more reason not to lie to me about being from there.
I am quite partial to the hand diagram approach. It’s so silly when people try to point to where their small little town is. “If my hand is mainland Michigan, I live here.” Aw. I still don’t know where you’re talking about, but thanks for Being Real.
Record levels of incest after “House of Dragon” episode seven airs
To those from cities:
Never change ❤️
