Okay, boom, new school year — but for real this time. Unlike last year, this semester we actually have to do work.

I know you’re about to say — “C’mon bro I worked so hard last year!” You know what? That’s true! When we were “studying,” we were working VERY hard to hold back tears as we questioned our life choices that led to us taking chemistry in the midst of a pandemic.

This year is going to require a whole different type of work — school work.

Don’t act so surprised, literally everyone cheated last year. And if you were one of the six total people on campus who cared about “academic honesty,” congratulations! You got fucked by the curve and now your parents hate you. 🙂

For the other 30,000 people who attend this university, things are going to go back to normal. The days of foolish professors trusting their students and deciding not to use Honorlock are over. It’s time for in person tests and no more cheating.

Or is it?

While many people have spent the last few weeks dreading the upcoming midterm cycle, I’ve been hard at work coming up with a few ways to scam my way through this semester.

This first method came to mind when I heard that podcast host (and all around dumbass) Joe Rogan got COVID-19. This man posted a video Sept. 1 and confidently claimed he took a horse de-worming drug, ivermectin, to help shed the virus in his body.

When those words came out of his mouth, I audibly said “I don’t even want to look at this guy right now.” And then I thought, “Wait, I genuinely don’t want to look at this guy right now! That’s it!”

For this first scam, on exam day I recommend you bring a FAKE bottle of “ivermectin” into the exam room with you. And right before the test starts, you should announce to EVERYONE, “I am about to take ivermectin because it defends against COVID-19!”

Everyone there should be so embarrassed to be around you they’ll stop looking at you altogether! This should give you the opportunity to access all electronic devices and cheat your way through class!

This second scam is going to take a little bit of set up and probably some money too.

First, you’ll need to find somebody with a large commanding voice, preferably someone as equivalent as possible to Gilbert Gottfried. You’ll probably have to negotiate a price, then, at some point during the testing period, Gilbert — sorry — the person of your choosing will come in and begin reciting “Love Story” by Taylor Swift at the top of their lungs in Victorian English.

You might be confused as to why this is so specific — that’s the point. Everyone in the class will be so distracted and confused you can use any notebook, cell phone, computer or smart person next to you to cheat on your exam! Of course, in order for them to keep their mouth shut you’re going to have to, “take care of them.”

Wait — what the fuck? I don’t mean kill them you animal, I mean pay them! You really thought I’d get that dark in THIS article? Go to our News section for that.

Alright, this last one is WICKED. I know the previous suggestions might be a bit risky, but this one is FOOLPROOF. There’s no way any proctor is going to catch you with this one.

In the weeks leading up to the big exam, you’re going to want to look at ALL of the class material covered since the last midterm. Once you do that, knock yourself out and take a practice exam or two if you REALLY want to go all in on this cheating scheme.

Then, when it comes to be exam time, you’re basically going to have a cheat sheet in your brain! It’s crazy! I did this method all throughout high school and it worked like a charm! The teachers never caught on!

Good ole academic dishonesty — my bread and butter. If you give any of these options a shot, you’re bound to be successful later in life. If you opt for the “honorable” (dumb) route, good luck this semester, you’re going to need it.