Hello everyone, I am beyond thrilled to announce I have just accepted my dream position working as Project Coordinator, Venture Capitalist, Senior Strategic Communicator, Creative CEO and Producer for Google. Yes, that Google. 

I am so excited to join the Google family, where I will be working alongside the Social Media Producer Scientist Team as well as the Economic and Search engine Optimization Meat Buyer Development Squad. 

I am hysterically-enthusiastic to be relocating to the Google headquarters, precisely 11 feet beneath the second “L” in the Hollywood sign. Of course first, I will be completing my onboarding, “on-board” of Jeff Bezos’ aeroponic flying submarine. Yes, it flies. 

So if you want to connect and or network/relationship build/conduct an informational interview before the high-powered Tesla light rail arrives to collect me, please shoot me an email and we’ll set something up!

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And don’t worry, I will be documenting the entire process on my new print audio vlog, available on iPads I have discreetly hidden throughout the city in those old broken boxes near bus stops where newspapers used to live. 

I am so passionately eager to start my career journey that I can barely contain my drive to be an organized worker and great communicator!

Jk this is April fools, I found all these words on LinkedIn. I have received five job rejections in the past two days, plz hire me.

I. Will. Do. Anything.

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I am proficient-ish in Excel and most of Adobe Suite and I’m not allergic to anything but red gummy lifesavers and that was when I was little, and I have double-jointed elbows and I am willing, nay, excited, to eat bugs if that is something a job would need for some reason. 

Plz connect with me on LinkedIn or like follow me on Twitter, I’ll do #followforfollow. Idk Twitter seems to be important in journalism.

Ok luv you, bye.

P.S. I can’t move home, my dad has gotten really into hanging up dead animal carcasses he finds. 

XOXO 

–Your future employee? (;