Is it cuffing season still? I’ll be honest — I don’t know, because I haven’t talked to a man since mid-quarantine.
But I do know that the cold brings out visceral feelings of hatred — about your life, career, friendships, etc. — and it’s still damn cold.
So ya, it’s safe to say that you’ve re-downloaded Tinder, Bumble AND Hinge. You swipe (and don’t pipe) during, hm, idk, a lecture and come out feeling sadder than you did going in.
If the only people biting at your profile are recent college grads who are depressed and depraved in the Epic Castle of Verona — that’s a sign.
You’re doing something wrong, and it’s time to mix things up. It’s time to find a lover, a mate, a greasy hookup for REAL. Stay strong, Badger. You can easily rock your dating apps to find the one for you and your twin XL.
Check out the Top Five Most Fuckable Presidents to make your February the horniest month yetLadies and gentleman, what exactly is hotter than a president? Oh… a lot of things? Especially recently? Okay, fine, I Read…
Everyone knows the classic “hey’s” and “hi :-)’s.” Ditch those. Get a little flirty and show your strong suit — boldness.
“Hey, cute potato,” “Hiiiiiiiiiii” and “what the hizzle are you izzle to rn?” are 1000 times better than going with the standard “what’s up?”
These openers are still a bit standard, but they’re good starting places if you’re not yet ready to dive into the ocean of love.
Another tip? Call people by nicknames they’re uncomfortable with. If someone’s name is a long or boring one, shorten it up or add spice. A few e.g’s if I may:
Thomas — Tommy Bahama
Elizabeth — Betty Boop
William — Willsteroona
Hannah — H-Bomb
This will turn heads (and angle thumbs to keyboards) time and time again. People will respond by saying, “haha I’ve never gotten that before,” or “um, please don’t call me that name.”
You can even keep up the shtick by differing the way you address your match in each separate message. If they don’t reciprocate the same energy, you probably don’t want to smooch them. Be vigilant.
Ask the questions other suitors are timid to ask.
“What’s your biggest insecurity?” is one of my favorites. Another winner is, “When did you realize your parents didn’t love each other?”
Cozy up and play Freud — it really throws people off (while still vigorously engaging them).
These prompts may not generate answers, per se. Hell, you may even get unmatched, but you leave the conversation knowing you deeply affected this person. Good or bad, they’ll surely remember your name … at least until they go to report your profile.
Bonus tip!!! Add some silly emojis! Dating apps shouldn’t be taken TOO seriously — text the unexpected and add a fun and vibrant wittle icon.
Some of my personal favorites are 😳, ☝🏼, 🦊. But depending on the person, you might want to go, 🌈, ⚽️, 😈. If their vibe is kind of unclear, keep it safe with 😿, 🍩, 👅.
People react to graphics. Take my word on this.
Combine all of these opening line additives to create a golden, outstanding, once-in-a-lifetime Tindie/Bumbers/Hingo opener.
“HEY Shawn O’ Connor 👶🏼 do you ever feel like you’re not good enough?” is one variation that could easily be the key to someone’s heart.
If all else fails, just say what comes straight to your brain. If your mind is drifting towards bowel movements, SAY. IT.
Dating is all about being vulnerable, folks, and you can’t do so without getting banned from Tinder at least once.