Once upon a time, when we still had a banter editor, the column “Craps on campus” popped up in the section’s inventory of articles to the world’s delight. At least 10 articles were published between fall 2015 and spring 2017, garnering more page views than half of the cool things I write about over in the arts section.
No one knows why “Craps on campus” disappeared — it might as well be University of Wisconsin’s version of the Loch Ness Monster. Perhaps it succumbed to the lack of further available bathrooms to test, a changing of the guard, or a certain former banter editor who goes by “Angela Peterson” who commonly feels uncomfortable typing the word “craps” as she tries to further the professionality of her career.
Luckily, a certain rhyming word is here to save the day (and anyone’s who’s heard my freestyle bars knows I love rhyming): “Naps on campus.”
Craps on campus: Perfect poops in Human Ecology’s defecation dream world
Substituting the first two letters of “crap” with “N” creates the wholesome content we like to see in this section. Who doesn’t need a little respite between their power lectures?
I’ve scoured the campus for the best nap spots and am delighted to share with my large, enthusiastic audience all of the best little tufts of campus space for a daytime doze.
The Rotunda in Der Rathskeller
This spot in the union is high key the only place I can study outside of my apartment, so it makes sense it’s also high key a place I would nap outside of my apartment. Light fills this space in a soft, zen manner, a great background for your closed eyelids in nap state and padded booth seating lends the napper a little bit of fluff. Early morning naps are best suited for this space as few patrons fill the establishment at that time. Der Rathskeller is a horrid choice for the standard midday nap due to the raucous yelling which occurs for no reason within its confines during this timeframe.
Humanities Staircase
You’ll never be found here! If you’re wary of seemingly camping out in university buildings, the staircases of humanities are a safe bet to help you keep your cover. No one really knows where any of them lead to, even if they spend all of their time in this building. There are a couple of significant downsides to this napping spot, namely the fact that the concrete lining the stairs are not fluffy at all. Changing elevations on the stairs also is a problem with Humanities naps.
Dairy Cattle Center
One simply has not had the full UW experience until they are stuck without explanation on the far west end of campus with no food or friends and need a nap. Thankfully, there are cows to fill that loveless void. Eighty-four cows are here to nap with you, and the convenient viewing hours in the late evening coalesce perfectly with ideal napping times as clarified by science. This one possibly involves the most sneaking, as actually making contact with cows likely violates many trespassing laws.
Union South Hotel Room
Sometimes, you have to splurge for the perfect nap. A Simmons mattress, 310 thread count sheets and more await tired students in the Wisconsin Union hotel. The amenities could not be better, yet this choice again either requires sneaking in or hunkering down a swath of money for a quick respite. Still, we can still dream to live our “The Suite Life of Zack & Cody” dreams with the hotel here.
Abe’s Lap
Yes, it’s supposed to be a signature spot for graduates, but Abe’s embrace is so close and affectionate that it creates the perfect environment for a daytime nap. Simply bring your blankie and a pal to help you leap up to his lap and you’ll be all settled in for a nap. Perks to this spot include its central location on campus near many academic buildings, lending ease to post-class naps. It’s just a short walk away from any Van Vleck nightmares which may haunt you. Of course, its outdoor location isn’t ideal for mid-winter naps, limiting Abe’s potential. He could still maybe be a good president someday, who knows?
So students, sit back, relax and enjoy a campus nap of epic proportions. If it turns into a sleep, all the more power to you!
Disclaimer: The writer of this piece and The Badger Herald do not endorse sleeping on campus property.
