With the University of Wisconsin losing beloved Dean of Students Lori Bequam, scores of students are filing transfer applications to Wiscansin University to be under Dean Tallahassee R. Pain. In fact, the number of applications filed exceeded Wisconsin School of Business applications by a 2:1 margin, with some citing the application prompt of “Why is it important for a University to value strippers and booze?” easier to draft than a similar prompt on diversity and inclusion.
T-Pain announced the new university on his Twitter account with a promotional video filled with retro shorts and singing doodles as students clad in Wiscansin University gear partook in college life. The students generally looked jovial in the warm environment provided by Wiscansin.
“The school is located in idyllic Wiscansin, Wisconsin, which is still 70 degrees while it is snowing here in Madison,” Thomas Meier, economics junior, remarked.
Meier already submitted his transfer application the day Wiscansin University was announced, despite not having an outline for his midterm paper that was the next day.
Wiscansin’s student statistics speak for themselves. All of the professors, who teach courses such as “The History of Autotune” and “The Working Stripper,” are uncertified, leaving no room for them to be brainwashed by ‘The Man.” The school boosts an average GPA of 2.5, well below the academic standards that keep current University of Wisconsin-Madison students stressed in the build-up to midterms. Prospects for female students are low, however, as only one woman is allowed admittance at a time.
There are many aspects of the school that seem appealing for UW-Madison students. “The History of GIFs at 3 a.m.” would not only prove useful for late night texting, as Dean Pain suggests, but also for any potential meme wars or study group chats found campus-wide. Students who continually struggle on Tinder in Madison might also find luck with Wiscansin’s “The Art of Sprung” course, which would help with the flirting skills students desperately need to stop being so single.
“I’m particularly interested in the “Accounting for Strippers” class, as it will allow me to continue to apply my business instinct after I am inevitably rejected by the Wisconsin School of Business,” Penny Pepping, undecided freshman, said.
Campus life is similar between the two schools, with both promoting diversity, arts, sports, Greek life and student employment. The adjustment will not be too bad for prospective transfers, even as little information on these organizations are possible.
While the admission decisions have not yet been released, Badgers contemplating transfers can buy spirit wear for the University on its website. Featured items include a signature crew neck, hoodies, snapback hats, and a necessary PE t-shirt for the physical challenges found at Wiscansin. The entire collection can be bought for only $281.
“Once I decided to apply to WU, I traded in my Canada Goose and bought three of each piece in the collection, and still had enough left over for a hearty meal at QQ’s!” Meier exclaimed.
As for this columnist, my application still has not been submitted yet. While I would love to count myself among alumni like Rick Ross and Lil Wayne, I would need more persuasion from the Dean himself to picture myself at home in the clubs of Wiscansin University. Perhaps a personal pitch here in Madison would inspire quality applicants like myself, instead of just former business school hopefuls, to fill Wiscansin’s inaugural class. Also, a scholarship and a free crewneck would be lit — just saying.