The University of Wisconsin is in mourning Tuesday morning after the death of the long tenured Athletic Director Barry Alvarez’s AgustaWestland AW119 Ke Koala Helicopter.
The eight-seat utility helicopter most commonly used by law enforcement agencies, produced by Leonardo and powered by a single turboshaft engine came out in 2016. It has been used by Alvarez since its initial production in 2016 to bring him to Bowl Games, for his weekly Sunday shopping trips and most recently was used for a “bonding exercise” for the March Sadness boys — Badgers Basketball.
Though many have called this an unfair punishment for missing the tournament, Alvarez reiterates its purpose solely as a drill meant to teach the team comradery. The boys were taken up into the helicopter during the first round games of the tournament, and once convinced they were merely enjoying a smooth ride on the AgustaWestland AW119 Ke Koala Helicopter, were told of the afternoon’s true purpose.
The 16 of them were given four parachutes and, as Khalil Iverson opened his mouth to ask for directions to safely operate the parachutes, were dropped from a trap door in the bottom of the AugustaWestland AW119 Ke Koala.
All were able to team up safely and glide down in a peaceful descent, embracing one another having learned the lesson of a lifetime. That is, besides Brad Davison, who, much to the astonishment of all bystanders, simply floated down like a feather, shouting support at his teammates all the while missing a parachute. Davison landed safely, popped his shoulder back in, and yelled at the referees for not calling a foul on gravity for the offensive charge.
Now without his helicopter, the Athletic Board is looking into other purchases to pacify the now impoverished athletic director.
So far, ideas being thrown around include five Frank Kaminsky clones to walk around with him at all times and frequently tell charming jokes, his second flavor of Babcock Ice Cream dedicated to him and bringing back the baseball team only to let him cut it again, which reportedly makes him feel more alive than anything else in this world.