Bidders are currently duking it out for a Harambe-shaped Cheeto on eBay. The current highest bid is at $99,999 and rising. Whoever is bidding on this should spend their money on any of these suggestions instead because those idiots are wasting their money on some dumb Cheeto.
1. 39,999.6 bags of Cheetos
After doing some apparently difficult calculations (the people bidding sure couldn’t figure this out), $99,999 will get you this many bags of Cheetos at Walgreens. Why have one Cheeto when you can have them all?
2. Renovate your bathroom
Why don’t you take that money and do something useful that wouldn’t make Americans look like fat snobs who need to spend stupid amounts of money on a gorilla-shaped snack.
3. An old painting
Like, wtf are you going to do with that Cheeto anyway? Are you going to freeze it? Frame it? Eat it? I’m pretty sure those things will dissolve on their own. Get a painting instead. Those actually last.
4. Hire a team looking for new Cheeto look-alikes
Maybe if you sell Cheetos in your KFC someone will find a “Damn Daniel” shaped Cheeto and then you can sell it for twice the money.
5. Hire an accountant
If you can’t figure out this one, then …
6. Copyrights to the Cheetos logo
You could literally own the brand for that kind of money. If you love Cheetos that much just do it.
7. A new gorilla
The gorilla market is cheap right now. If you need, I know a guy. I can give you his number.
8. A new meme
Memes are currency these days. Invest that money in memes and become the next top memer in the world.
9. Inventing Cheeto-dust repellent pants
Not only would you be helping yourself with this one (whoever is buying that dumb Cheeto, you know you’ll need it) but you would also be helping the rest of the world. You may as well be donating to charity with this one.
10. Hail To The Cheese Stephen Colbert’s Nacho Cheese Doritos 2020 Presidential Campaign
This isn’t technically Cheetos, but it’s close enough, and I think a lot of people would appreciate this.
