Thank you, thank you very much, everybody, for allowing me to take part in this amazing opportunity. I’m so honored to have been here for all of you this incredible semester and I can’t wait to come back for another round of fun this spring.
I just wanted to take this time to recognize everyone for all of the support they have given me along the way, whether from friends, family, acquaintances or companies, you know who you are, so if I miss anybody I apologize.
1. Mom and Dad
You guys have been so wonderful in supporting me along this route and I am forever grateful. Thanks for putting up with me all these years.
2. My big brother Phil
Phil, you’ve been an excellent brother and a wonderful collaborator when I’ve needed you. Thanks for being so cool, big bro.
3. Sheila, my personal assistant
Of course, I could never have done anything without the pump that keeps this blood flowing. Sheila, thanks for countless hours of taking notes and setting up appointments when I’m in and out of the office — you know I could never have done this without you.
4. Fetty Wap
My main man Fetty deserves a shoutout. He’s been so amazing throughout this entire process. Next bottle of merlot is on me, buddy.
5. Toto (the toilet company, not the band)
You may not have known it, but your company played a huge role in my work. Thanks for having such reliable industrial-strength toilets, you’ve been a huge inspiration.
6. Nathan East — bass player from Toto (the band)
Nathan, your music has kept me moving forward ever since I discovered there was a band named after a toilet company. Your music isn’t shit, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
7. The Pringles Company
If it wasn’t for your goofy tube, I wouldn’t be here today. All the chips eaten and made to look like I’m a duck have made me who I am now, so your endorsement has meant the world to me. I can’t wait to continue to work closely with your PR team next semester.
Internet searches are a huge part of my life and after askjeeves.com went under, I had no idea what I was going to do. Thank you for endorsing my work and providing me with unlimited searching potential.
I couldn’t make this list without thanking my best bud in the whole world. Thanks for that amazing shout-out to Prime Minister Modhi and releasing that album in my name. Don’t let anyone tell you your sunglasses are stupid — they’re not, and neither was “Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark.”
10. The Edge
Fuck you, Edge (Bono will get it).
11. My wife and kids
Saving the best for last, my wife and kids have been with me since this all began, and I love them all to the moon and back. You are my everything, and I’m looking forward to countless more days spent with you all at the ranch.