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Craps on campus: Dropping charges at the Law School lavatories

The Herald’s guide to the best (and worst) spots to poop on campus

by Patrick Ronan

November 14, 2015

The ultimate goal of any law student is to one day pass the infamous bar exam, transforming them from a simpleton with massive student debt to a respected lawyer with massive student debt.

Equally important to any law student is the need to pass a different, more tangible kind of bar — this time, through their tightly strung, professional colons. Luckily for these future attorneys, the University of Wisconsin Law School bathroom provides a pleasant spot to take recess.

Craps on campus: Perfect poops in Human Ecology’s defecation dream world

Firstly, the restroom is massive, with separate compartments designated for hand washing and discharge. The excretion area is equipped with six tall, handsome urinals and five orderly beige stalls, each containing spotless toilets as well as a rare and precious treasure: fluffy, luxurious double-ply toilet paper. The defining feature of the bathroom is the bright, lime-green walls, a unique aspect to the restroom that I have yet to see elsewhere. While a bold and interesting choice, this zesty hue could potentially be alarming or unsettling to an unprepared pooper.

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For non-law students, the stalls give off a little taste of what it’s like to be in the legal field. The spacious handicap stall serves as an imaginary courtroom, with you atop the porcelain bench acting as the presiding judge in Defecator v. Last Night’s Enchiladas. Once your colon is clear, you will undoubtedly slam your toilet-paper gavel down onto your bare thigh, calling out that court is adjourned.

This novel experience might not lead you to pursue a career as a lawyer, but the pristine facilities and plush double-ply will surely cause you to return to lay down the law many more times in your own personal 5-by-5-foot courthouse.