Reading this column, you may think I only drink top-of-the-line craft beer. Well, my friend, you’re dead wrong.
Like every other beer drinking student, 95 percent of my college career has been spent downing the classic shitty light beer that goes hand in hand with the University of Wisconsin experience.
As a result, I’ve decided this week to make a definitive list of only the best in shitty college beers. We’ve all tried them, hate to love them and love to hate them.
We’ve decided on eight beers popular on campus to compare: Red Dog, Boxer, Kül Light, Busch Light, Keystone Light, Natural Light, Milwaukee’s Best and Hamm’s.
Matchup No. 1: Red Dog vs. Boxer
This first matchup is an easy one. Red Dog, enjoyed by both frat bros and GDIs across campus, is one of the few beers that virtually anyone can enjoy. But can you name a single person who drinks Boxer? I didn’t think so.
WINNER: Red Dog.
Matchup No. 2: Kül Light vs. Busch Light
This matchup may seem like a no-brainer — Busch Light should kill Kül, right? Wrong. At $18.99 for 30 beers, Busch is even more expensive than the beer of the (hipster) gods, PBR. Kül, on the other hand, runs for just $9.99. Busch may have made it’s name as a cheap beer, but it’s really just cheap tasting.
WINNER: Kül Light.
Matchup No. 3: Keystone Light vs. Natural Light
These are two of the most well-known beers among those under age 21, and rightfully so. They both taste like piss at room temperature, but are at least a step above water. But what really decides this matchup is the branding. Keith Stone, the brand’s made-up, average joe spokesperson made his debut in 2010, but to this day, he’s still as smooth as the first moment I feasted my eyes on that glorious mustache. Natty Light, on the other hand, has no one like the almighty Keith Stone repping their brand.
WINNER: Keystone Light.
Matchup No. 4: Milwaukee’s Best vs. Hamm’s
As two campus beer juggernauts, both Milwaukee’s Best and Hamm’s have been around for quite some time. Milwaukee’s Best, however, seems to take its own name to heart — on average, it runs a full $2 more than Hamm’s per case. Milwaukee’s Best can’t be taken too seriously when it’s obvious the best beer to ever come out of Brew City is the classic Miller Genuine Draft. The prevailing brew is easily Hamm’s, whose subtlety earns it legitimacy.
WINNER: Hamm’s
Semi-Final Matchup No.1: Red Dog vs. Hamm’s
These two selections have their own highly distinct styles. Both are popular in their own right, but for different reasons.
Having been around for more than 100 years, Hamm’s isn’t just known as a college beer. Hamm’s is what you might find your drunk uncle pounding down at the family Thanksgiving this year, complaining about how Obama “ruined ‘Merica.”
Red Dog, on the other hand, has a young vibrancy surrounding it. Once you step off a college campus, no one drinks it — it’s truly a college classic.
WINNER: Red Dog.
Semi-Final Matchup No. 2: Kül Light vs. Keystone Light
This one may also seem like a no-brainer — how could anyone knockout Keystone? But as it turns out, Kül Light proves to be quite the contender. A recent phenomenon across campus, Kül has been the savior of house parties and football pre-games all fall semester. Why? The typical half barrel keg of Kül Light runs for $55.99, while Keystone goes for $74.99. In this surprising upset, Kül takes the victory.
WINNER: Kül Light.
Final Matchup: Red Dog vs. Kül Light
It comes down to these two heavyweights: Red Dog, a campus classic that has cemented its status on campus, and Kül Light, a newcomer taking hold on the cheap beer market. But their differentiator is their familiarity. If you flash a can of Red Dog anywhere on campus, you’re bound to garner a few high-fives. Plus, Red Dog is an “award winning beer,” at least according to this classically ’90s commercial. Kül still needs some time to find a place in students’ hearts; Red Dog has already found it.
WINNER: Red Dog.
