Hello!

I know this question has been asked many, many times. But I’m asking for myself, because I believe I’m a special case. I can’t get an orgasm! And believe me when I say I’ve tried almost everything! From porn, to toys, my next stop is asking my OB/GYN what to do. I can’t even give myself one, nor can my boyfriend. I’ve had more than one partner and none of them gave me one… please, I need help!

— Girl Who Wants the Best Feeling in the World!

No need to worry, GWWBFW. Many people have a hard time achieving orgasm, at least at some point in their lives. There is hope! Whether through more exploration or an appointment with a doctor, there are several options you can try to achieve that highly sought-after feeling.

The most important question to ask yourself GWWBFW is if you are having fun during sex. Whatever the sensations that you may or may not experience, the most important part of having sex is whether you are feeling pleasure.

As a society, we have been socialized into thinking an orgasm is the only goal in sex and that it has to be so big and mind-blowing you scream your head off. This is not the case for a majority of people. An orgasm consists of muscle tension and release, coupled with a lot of tingling pleasure. Once an orgasm hits, you may experience involuntary muscle contractions, particularly in the lower pelvic muscles. This is just one description. Many people experience orgasms in different ways, whether by feeling chills run up and down their back, a sudden relaxation throughout the whole body or describing it as a sudden urge to sleep.

The worry that you are not reaching orgasm can in and of itself cause you not to orgasm. Worry and stress are completely counterproductive. You have to let go of that worry and enjoy the ride! Don’t focus on your breathing or your tensing. Concentrate on your partner’s tongue on your inner thigh, on the exquisite feeling of the butt plug in your ass, on how good your partner tastes. Relaxing and enjoying yourself will allow the feelings and tension to come to you.

Get to know your body. Really know your body. Grab a mirror. Take a look at your genitalia, especially before you start to get aroused. Then watch what happens as you start to play with yourself. Use some lube and circle your clit. What swells? What changes color? Take that vibrator and trace it around your pubic mound, your outer lips and your legs. Explore every part that you don’t usually touch. The toes, the backs of your knees, butt cheeks, scalp, behind the ears, the armpits. Focus on the tingling sensations, and ignore any thought that leads you to stress about your orgasm. Indulge in the sensations. Don’t rush.

The clit is it! Many women cannot get off without having their clitoris played with. Keep in mind it may be too sensitive for direct touch, but the hood and the entire area around it are just as innervated and will respond quickly to contact. Change up the motion, direction and pressure. Note the differences in touch.

Take your time! Literally, allow yourself at least an hour or two to fully indulge in playing with yourself and/or your partner. Time constraints just lead to more stress and pressure. Make sure you silence whatever nagging voice that says you should be doing homework at that point.

Be firm and tell you partner what you like. Honestly. Nicely. “Please move your tongue to the left,” “a little harder,” “go back,” “much slower.” It may be a little discomfiting to ask your partner to do a particular move. You may worry your partner will feel inadequate. To alleviate any anxiety, tell you partner you love all that he/she does to you. Explain that you need to figure out exactly what your body responds to, so you will be giving feedback and directions as to what feels better or not. If your partner truly wants to learn how to please you, he/she will be more than happy to try out every suggestion that you say. And of course, always be sure to say “thank you.”

You feel yourself coming closer… closer… and it’s gone. Don’t despair. Don’t feel disappointed. Change it up! Slow it down, move to another room, take a break, do it against the refrigerator. Whatever you do, don’t allow yourself to be sad. You have just spent the last 45 minutes having fun!

If indeed you have tried everything and you are still not having any luck, we recommend talking to your doctor. Perhaps there is something physiological or even mental that is keeping you from orgasming. There are therapists and specialists who are trained to address these sort of issues. Check out the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists for listings of all the professionals in your area. Good luck!

Dear Humpday,

You’re horny and you want some fast. How do I get this across while out?

— Horny

Dear Horny,

Honesty is the best policy: “I’m really into you. Would you like to come back to my place tonight?”

This article was written by Nicolette Pawlowski and Suzie Baker. Nicolette is a graduate student in EPS and a sexual health educator, and Suzie is a sexual health education coordinator and wannabe homemaker. All questions are from real readers. Keep ’em coming! E-mail: [email protected].