Dear HD,
Whenever my boyfriend and I have sex, he’s completely silent. It’s pretty much the only time he shuts up. How do I know if he’s enjoying himself?
— Silence Isn’t Golden
Dear SIG,
People express themselves differently in the bedroom. Your boyfriend’s lack of verbal signals is probably for one of three reasons: He’s not enjoying himself and trying to non-communicate that to you, he’s really shy about making noise in bed or he is a silent sexer. There is really only one way to find out: ask. It’s best to do this when he’s going down on you. You could rent porn with lots of dialogue and use it as a tool to start the conversation. Or just ask point blank over breakfast: “I love our sex life. I’m concerned you’re not having a good time because you’re very quiet in bed and that’s different from how you are outside of the bedroom.”
At this point you’ll find out if the sex is good — we’re sure it is, since you read this column and bothered to ask us a question — and what’s up. Shyness can be caused by many things — maybe you live in a dorm, have thin apartment walls or your partner once heard his neighbors going at it and it makes him nervous to do that to someone else. This can easily be fixed by running a loud fan, playing a movie or music during the act or sticking a towel under the door to drown out sounds.
It may also be that your partner doesn’t like the noise he makes during sex. He may think it will turn you off and that silence is better than monkey-esque shrill yelping. Perhaps some ungrateful past partner even reinforced this behavior. You can let your partner know you’re into verbal cues and moaning and you want them to let loose during sex. Hopefully this confirmation will lube up those vocal cords.
If it’s not the sex, shyness or embarrassment that means your partner may just be the silent type in bed. You can try to change this by using positive reinforcement and saying something like, “I love it when you moan like that” when he makes any sort of noise. Or you might try porn with lots of dirty talk and moaning and mention how much it turns you on to hear someone being pleased.
If your partner isn’t willing to communicate more in bed and you are happy with the sex, you may have to accept that’s just his style. To help you get more clues about what he likes despite his silence, you can fine tune the way you receive feedback. You can look for non-verbal cues like breathing, tensing the muscles of the face and hip movement. If you want to check in when you’re trying something new or if you’re not sure you’re hitting a home run, just ask, “Do you like this? Harder? More lube?” Often direct questions can elicit answers. Enjoy the idiosyncrasies and keep the mood light.
Dear BH,
I’ve been in a relationship for about three months now and things are definitely getting serious. I think it’s about to move on to sex… problem is, I’ve never been that far before. I guess my question is: what’s the protocol for pubic hair?
— Confused About Down There
Dear CADT,
Pubic hair is like the hair on your head. There are popular ways to wear it and unique ways to style it. The protocol is simple: It should be clean and you should like how it looks. Some people will go a bit further and say if you expect oral, you should cater to the request of your partner, but we’re not 100 percent down with that. The hair on your body, whether on the head or on the genitals, is yours to do with as you wish.
Some men enjoy trimming or shaving their bush to make their member look longer or to make their balls and perineum more accessible for a mouth. Some women like to wax the whole thing, or just shave the outer lips for oral sex. There are also pubic hair dyes and multiple designs you can sculpt your pubes into. Keep in mind several things: If you are not consistent, shaving can lead to tiny prickly hair growth over time. This may be itchy or bothersome as it grows out. Waxing can be a bit painful for some people. Find a good aesthetician before you invest your hard earned money on a Brazilian.
Some people aren’t comfortable with hair removal. As put in “The Vagina Monologues,” “Hair is there for a reason. It’s the leaf around the flower, the lawn around the house. You have to love hair in order to love the vagina. You can’t pick the parts you want.”
Overall, you’re the one who looks at it every day and you should decide how much work you want to put into maintaining the hair down there. Your partner’s input is welcome, but remember, it’s your pubic region — decide what you think looks and feels best.
This article was written by Nicolette Pawlowski and Suzie Baker. Nicolette is a graduate student in EPS and a sexual health educator and Suzie is a sexual health education coordinator and wannabe homemaker. All questions are from real readers. Keep ’em coming! E-mail: [email protected].
