CAILLEY:

Tony and I have tackled some big topics before, but this week presents a challenge of epic proportions. This is a subject that made both Tony and I grin like maniacs when we came up with this idea while simultaneously glaring at each other from our respective desks. This is by far the dastardliest thing we’ve ever come up with and boy, are we proud.

Here it goes: In honor of the latest installment of “Saw,” if we could kill off anyone in a classically “Saw” way, who would be? Oh, and because we’re sick bastards, the other part to this question is how it would all go down.

I wanted to pick the most undeserving, sleaziest, selfish people I could think of: Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag.

Here’s the scenario: Our two favorite blonde jackasses wake up in the classically grungy room with dim lighting and a few scattered razor blades. Both are attached to devices that will, in one hour, rip out their most valued asset: Heidi’s device is obviously attached to her boobs and Spencer’s device is rigged to his jaw, where his prized flesh-colored beard lay.

To make it out alive, they have to tear out their opponent’s stomach and find the little silver key to guarantee their freedom. Only one can make it out, since after the door has been successfully opened once, the door is sealed shut and the victim is left to die.

The ticker starts, and initially our blonde heroes are forlorn. Both love each other, yes, but when they realize their famewhoring lives may very well end, things get scrappy.

Spencer is, of course, the one who gives into the psychosis first. He sees a weapon — a copy of Heidi’s issue of Playboy — and hits her with it. It doesn’t do much.

Shocked by the sudden betrayal by her lover, Heidi strikes back. Her weapon of choice is a bottle of peroxide, which she quickly opens and throws in his face. Recoiling from the pain, Heidi takes the time to scramble for a razor blade.

But she takes a little too long. As Spencer screams that he is “fucking King Spencer Pratt,” he hears his little wife crawling on the floor and quickly crosses the room to kick her in the stomach, which, as you can guess, hurts a lot. She stumbles over while Spencer falls to his knees, blind.

In her pain, Heidi finds a blade, which she quickly jabs into her husband’s stomach, but not too brutally. After finding the key, she makes it out, just in time for the time to run out and hear a mechanical clink followed by a loud scream.

There you are, ladies and gentlemen. We are terrible, terrible people.

TONY:

Miley Cyrus wakes up in a dark room. Her arms and legs are guitar-strapped down and there is something heavy attached to her chest. She feels like a fly on the wall.

Suddenly the lights turn on.

Billy the Saw Puppet: Miley Cyrus, you have spent your whole life trying to break free and go wild, but would you be willing to kill your father for this opportunity? If you wish to live, you must take the sharpened guitar pick from your pocket and dig out your father’s achy-breaky heart. If you don’t perform this task in one hour, the automated mechanism attached to your chest will go off, impaling a stripper pole through your chest.

Miley, sobbing, notices her father on the other side of the small room. One of his hands is chained to a pipe while the other grasps a guitar with a blade for a neck.

Billy the Saw Puppet: Billy Ray Cyrus, you have spent the past few years living off your daughter’s fame, but would you kill your daughter if it meant you would obtain all her fame and fortune? If you wish to live, saw off your hand with your guitar and play one good song to trigger the mechanism on Miley. If you fail, you will be left in this room to die with “Party in the U.S.A.” playing in the background.

Billy Ray: Sweet potato pie, I ain’t never gonna let you die by that big ol’ sin pole.

Billy Ray, screaming, begins cutting off his hand. Blood splatters everywhere. Eventually, Billy Ray frees himself, stumbles over to Miley and starts to untie her. After removing the final strap, the two embrace in an awkward bloody stump-for-a-hand, stripper pole mechanism hug.

Miley: Daddy, you know I would never kill you … but Hannah Montana would.

Miley dons a blonde wig and lunges at Billy Ray, but he manages to get away with a well-timed line dance. Realizing his daughter has gone independently insane, Billy Ray attempts to play his blade guitar — however, sadly he simply has no talent. Unexpectedly, as Billy Ray severs his left forefinger moving from a “D” to a “G” chord, Miley lands a perfect uppercut, knocking Billy Ray unconscious.

Thirty-five minutes later…

Miley stands over her father’s bloody corpse with his heart in hand, shaking her now strawberry blonde hair out of her face. With a loud clang, the stripper pole mechanism falls to the floor and a door opens.

Miley (looking back at her dead father, a single tear in eye): I can’t wait … to see you again.