My girlfriend and I have a question for you. We’re interested in the occasional swap of partners, whether bringing mmf, mff or mfmf combinations together. There isn’t a whole lot of latitude in ways to go about making this happen without awkward conversations, so we are exploring other methods to meeting similarly interested people. We don‘t want the random Craigslist thing, so we wonder if there are public places like “swing clubs” around here. We have no idea how they work either, because we don‘t want to be pressured. Got any suggestions on how to meet like-minded people in relative safety?

P.S.: We both love the columns. And my girlfriend would be more than willing to check things out on a site visit with Nicolette!

Let Us Swap Partners

Awesome question, LUSP. Thankfully we live in a great city where a plethora of options are open for couples and singles who want to explore multiple partners. But before we go into the options available, we’d like to define some of the terminology for our readers.

Swinging is a term used to describe a kind of open relationship in which the partners may have sexual experiences with other people, but do not have intense loving relationships outside of the primary two-person couple. Wife-swapping is often part of this category. This type of relationship allows for sexual non-monogamy but keeps love exclusive — and is therefore emotional monogamy.

Polyamory is beautifully defined at Wikipedia as “the desire, practice or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.” There are as many types of polyamorous relationships as there are people participating in them. However, it’s important to note, like the words “sex” and “virginity,” the definition is different depending on one’s perspective and there isn’t a consensus within society either. As the people within the relationship grow and change, so can definitions and actions.

Now let’s see what’s on the menu in Madison:

Swinglifestyle.com is a great tool to find other people who are interested in swinging. Very similar to Facebook, this forum is free and allows for some culling of the prospective bedroom guests even before you agree to meet with them.

I did a little research and found there are a total of 6,726 Madison swingers on this site. Members include singles and couples as well as descriptions of what they are looking for, both in gender and in desire. One profile describes themselves as a “real couple looking for real couples,” while another person described herself as “wild” and with a “great body, bold, nice legs, pleasant on the tongue, strong finish: Ready to be sampled.”

If you and your girlfriend are into a polyamorous relationship, there is a Yahoo Group called PolyOut. The group describes itself as “a public discussion about Polyamory, which is the non-possessive, honest, responsible, ethical philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultaneously.” They meet regularly and have a set membership.

Fetlife.com is personally our favorite site. It’s free, completely non-judgemental and works just like Facebook in an extremely open and sexually explicit way. The site is by and for the kink community. Thankfully, swingers fall under that category as well, so you can very easily connect to many people who may fulfill your fantasies and desires.

Clearly there are some considerations to keep in mind and discuss before sampling the goods in an open relationship. The first is honesty. Make sure you and your girlfriend are on the same page and happy with opening up the relationship. The next step is setting boundaries. Know ahead of time what you both want and don’t want. Perhaps she doesn’t want you kissing a dude’s toes but really wants to see you sucking his cock. Know what crosses the line for the both of you (and keep in mind that the third party may have some boundaries as well). The boundaries may change over time or even during the play session, but setting them in advance will let you enjoy the night even more.

The biggest consideration is safety. With a first meeting, always meet in public. When you meet someone, it’s OK to say, “No thank you.” Again, there are 6,726 swingers on one site alone. Don’t get discouraged or pressured. We recommend you and your third party get tested (there is free STI testing at the sexual health clinic at UHS) and trade the paperwork. Discuss condoms and sex dams. Discuss what brands, colors and flavors people like. Costumes, a theme and the location also should be discussed. Honesty, communication and humor are key in making this and future experience worry free and full of pleasure.

Thanks for the compliment! I am flattered, but my significant other and I don’t currently swap. Good luck with whatever and whoever you choose!

I will be visiting my boyfriend next weekend and I need some lap dance moves that will leave him begging for more.

Well, (insert name here), here are some major things to keep in mind with lap dances that will drive your partner wild.

Outfit — like any great dance, you should wear something that looks great on you and is comfortable to move around in. A key thing to remember: Keep an article of clothing on at all times. You look more naked and titillating with only socks on than nothing at all. Also, make him strip. More access to juicier parts.

Music — Choose music that turns you on and gets your hips moving.

Set the scene — candles, turning the light down low.

Make him beg … to touch you — Before the start of the dance, set some rules. He can’t touch you unless you touch him, or he can only kiss you on the neck, etc.

Touch yourself — and watch for his reaction.

Tease — Lightly touch him on the inside of his leg, change positions (on the floor, on his lap, behind him), blow lightly on his neck, take one of his fingers and suck on it, rub your ass against him. You get the picture.

The success of the lap dance is on how much you like it. If you aren’t into it and into showing your partner your arousal, then your partner is not going to get aroused. Play around, don’t take yourself too seriously and have fun.

Thanks for all the questions! Keep them rolling in.

This article was written by Nicolette Pawlowski and Suzie Baker. Suzie is a sexual health education coordinator and wannabe homemaker and Nicolette is a graduate student in EPS and a sexual health educator. Comments? Questions? E-mail: [email protected].