It’s no great secret what Akon really meant in his song “I Wanna Love You.” I find it very interesting, however, that the radio version used “love” in place of “fuck.” With so many euphemisms for sex, couldn’t they have picked “screw” or “bone” to get the real point across? I guess “I wanna pork you,” sounds a bit silly, but I believe what it really comes down to is effectiveness. Most girls will not come home with a guy who talks about how he wants to boink her, but love, now that sounds nice.

What is love? Baby don’t hurt me…

Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart said in 1964, “I can’t define pornography, but I know it when I see it.” Recently, my philosophy TA said the same thing about philosophy. It can be applied to any abstract concept, and it will be my cop-out for describing love. Great thinkers have tried to explain love in their own particular idioms, and for the most part, they are successful. Love is as subjective as it gets.

In that spirit, it’s good to be clear about what the hell you’re talking about. If you want to take someone back to your place and you are not in love with him or her, do not imply you are. Many people hold sex to be a very sacred thing. While they may not be against doing it altogether, they may be against doing it without a mutual feeling of love. It’s not irrational to think this way. With the value humanity has placed on virginity since the dawn of time, breaking such a psychological mold can seem like a huge burden and may only be remedied with the understanding that it was “something special.” We don’t all think like that, and the lack of understanding can result in the manipulation of one or both parties.

I’m into having sex; I’m not into makin’ love.

It’s awkward to ask, “I’m sorry, but do you place a high value on sexual intercourse? Because I’m just looking to hit it and quit it.” If it weren’t, life would run so much smoother. It’s OK to just want a purely sexual tryst — kudos to you for being honest with yourself. In order for this work, however, you have to be honest with your partner. A lot of us view relationships as organic entities. Most people have the “let’s see how it goes” mentality. Hooking up can seem like a very positive step toward a legit relationship, but not if someone doesn’t want it to progress that way. If you don’t, you need to say, “I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”

These words could very well damn the whole enterprise, but you can at least walk away from the situation knowing you got what you wanted out of it, and the other person will know he would be foolish to want more. Want to do what you did last night again? Tell him you like the relationship for what it is. Be prepared to hear, “No fucking way” in response, but in case he likes it too, you can be completely comfortable and open with each other, which always leads to better sex. Hooray!

I’m ready for love! Ooh baby, I’m ready for love.

So maybe you’re the opposite. It’s also awkward to ask, “Umm, are you just hoping to have meaningless sex? Because I want you as my boo.” Having a crush is one of the best feelings on earth — in my opinion. You get to experience all those butterflies when they walk into a room. It’s a very sweet thing. But crushes can suck because you can never tell what the other person’s intentions are. When a move is finally made, you can kind of deduce how things are going as they occur, but don’t be afraid to say, “Hey, I really like you.” Shakespeare it ain’t, but it does get the point across fairly simply.

And be aware she may not feel the same way. It’s hard to be rejected, but isn’t it best that intentions are out in the open? If you know she doesn’t want your lovin’ in the same way you want hers, why plague yourself? There are plenty of other sexy fish in the sea who, I promise, are willing to love you back.

She never gives in; she just changes her mind.

So you thought you wanted to keep it light, but now you’re feeling something. Most people would eloquently say: tough shit. But I say nay. If you’re willing to lavish the extra attention to try to keep your partner around, go for it. People can change their mind, it happens. Sex especially can turn a perfectly simple exchange into an emotional bond. Ignoring this is stupid. You’re only cheating yourself. Don’t be afraid of your emotions toward a situation, whatever direction that may take you.

Trying to interpret all manners of casual sexual exchange is difficult, if not impossible. The best way to know what to do in a given situation is to listen to your gut. If you are unhappy with what you find yourself in, get out. Waiting for your fuck buddy to fall in love with you is painful and fruitless, and being awkwardly nice to someone who really likes you when you don’t feel the same sucks too. Honesty is always, always, always the best policy, and the only way to guarantee that happiness is sustained after you come. Get your afterglow on and love somebody tonight. Or just screw it.

Nikki is a political science and religious studies major and a facilitator for Spill. Comments? Questions? E-mail: [email protected].