Madison’s newly opened Fat Sandwich Company offers heart attacks between sliced bread, or donuts, as it were. In the Big Fat Ugly Challenge, victims are to consume the $25, 4-6 pound monstrosity of a sandwich in less than 15 minutes. Should anyone succeed in this feat, the sandwich is free, a T shirt is awarded and everlasting fame is granted. The Badger Herald’s very own Jeff Schorfheide, aka Sandwich King, and Bobby Breitenbach, aka Cowboy Bob, took on the challenge. Will they succeed?

The overriding goal the creators of Fat Sandwich Company must have had is pretty simple: Let’s toss as much fatty, greasy, fried shit onto a bun as physically possible and hope people are fat, drunk or stoned enough to buy one with no regard for the public health.

And it is’s clear those people are the primary targets of Fat Sandwich, along with the few of us who wander in for the novelty of it all.

Take for example my first meal there, the “Fat F.” Stuffed into an 8-inch amoroso roll you will find cheesesteak, chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, mayo and ketchup topped with French fries. Add bacon to that and you have got a “Fat Milf,” add ham and egg and you have got a “Fat Joint.” You get the idea.

Sure, it’s pretty tasty for the first two minutes. But as you slowly make your way to the end of the sandwich, you can feel your blood get thicker, your stomach carefully considering a vomiting fit and your face prepping for its first acne breakout in three years from the thin glaze of grease that now covers it.

Then there is the “Fat Mess,” a bizarre array of fries, mozzarella sticks, jalapeno poppers, fried mushroom, Mac n’ cheese bites, pizza bites, ranch and BBQ sauce. It was, for lack of a better term, awful, just awful. Do not order this.

Oh, and you cannot forget the “Big Fat Ugly.” To pull right off the online menu, it’s “2 rolls, 4 cheeseburgers, double cheesesteak, chicken cheesesteak, gyro meat, grilled chicken, bacon, sausage, mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, chicken nuggets, Mac n’ cheese bites, fried mushrooms, jalapeno poppers, pizza bites, onion rings, hash browns, mini corndogs, American cheese, mayo, ketchup poppers, pizza bites, onion rings, hash browns, ketchup.”Apparently hash browns are so good they have got to be put on there twice. But if you eat this $25 monstrosity in under 15 minutes, you get it for free. And you get a free t-shirt!

Given these “fat” options, unless you are a stereotypical obese Wisconsinite, this might not be a place you frequent. But let’s run through a scenario.

Langdon resident gets drunk. Langdon resident wants to go to Spring Street resident’s apartment for a 1 a.m. smoke sesh. Langdon resident stops by Fat Sandwich for $8 cigarettes and $1 chocolate blunts, since they are the only place open late on the way that sells the things. Drunkenness causes Langdon resident to want to purchase a 2,000-calorie sandwich and a fine beer from Capital Brewery. Fat Sandwich makes a killing and Langdon and Spring Street residents get stoned and cap it off with a Parliament — everybody is happy.

My initial reaction was that Fat Sandwich would only prosper in a college town like Madison as a result of this type of scenario — supported by the fact that the small chain has only two more locations, one at the University of Illinois in Champaign and one at the University of Oklahoma in Norman. But this could grow. Copycats of it could appear and people with no shame, obese and skinny, will pull into the Fat Sandwich off I-94 instead of the McDonald’s or the Subway.

So given the problem of obesity in this country — as sick of that topic as everybody is — I want to pose a question: Is the proliferation of a chain like this good?

The answer is of course, no, but let’s cross that bridge when we reach it. For now, enjoy it if you do not mind serious indulgence, cholesterol levels topping 300 and triple-bypass surgery.

It’s tasty, it’s beyond filling, and it’ll kill you. But hey, it’ll kill you damn good.

2 1/2 stars out of 5.